Thursday, November 3, 2016

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Men Who Stare At Women

I was recently contacted by an independent filmmaker who made a film called "Men Who Stare At Women". She asked me to share it to give more exposure. Here is what she had to say:

In this video, we have basically walked down the streets of Mumbai and confronted those men who stared blatantly at us women. Just to be clear, this wasn't them just checking us out. This was a predatory stare - I am sure you have seen this yourself. Our concept was simple - we just wanted to know why they stared so. Was it that a woman walking down the streets was a relatively uncommon sight? Was it just poor social conditioning?

But the responses we got were just not what we were expecting. To an extent, even threatening. We even saw one man justifying rape! All starting from a simple so-called harmless stare.

So the reason I am writing to you now is because I want to share this video far and wide. This is not just a mentality that exists in India's daughter. This is a mentality that seems to permeate through all layers of society. And we need to be aware of it. And we need to be wary of it.

I would request you to please watch the video and if you find it acceptable, please share it on your blog. This is a message that needs to be spread. And this is a mindset that needs to change.

I realize that just an 8 minute video cannot change the world. But if we all do our little bit - whatever we can - then surely it will. As filmmakers, this was, for us, the most natural course to follow. And we hope that it helps, in whatever little way. " 



The film really struck me because I did experience "eve teasing" or the proper name for it, sexual harassment when I went to India. In the 2 months that I was there, I got to experience the beauty of the country I was born in and connect with my heritage through the wonderful festivals, street food and encountered how my extended family welcomed us with open arms even though we hadn't see them in a decade. I got to know the simple, open and friendly nature that Indian people have and what it means to be hospitable. 

There is a phrase that I read of that said "You don't turn from a girl into a woman until you have been eve-teased. Then you will finally be a woman". I certainly experienced this downside too. Everywhere I went it seemed like only men were on the streets, walking around freely. This is why Indian feminists have been "loitering" too to take back public spaces from men. There was also a certain air of entitlement that oozed from these men, from the unabashed way they would smile and wink at me after I caught them staring at me to the way they spread their legs and extended their arms without concern for anyone else on transportation. They were confident because they knew the system was skewed towards them and they wouldn't get any punishment for what they did. 

Only that kind of confidence could propel a man to wink at me WHEN I WAS WITH MY MOM or follow after me on a motorcycle when I was in a rickshaw. I know what that man thinks because his consciousness and thinking is spread all over India. He doesn't mind following me when he's interested, for him it's something casual and a part of everyday life. 

I salute the women of India because I could not live a life being reminded of how much of a woman I was, both in body and mind, both outside the home and inside. From the exclamations of my uncle when he commented on how a girl was playing cricket with the boys to my mother telling me to look down and not confront the men who stared at me, this type of thinking followed me everywhere. I suspect this is why the majority of Indian women are so feminine and even "motherly", not because they were born that way but because it was molded into them by the treatment and messages they received of how women are born a certain way and that is the way the world works. 

It takes a great deal of courage to be yourself when anything outside the realm of how you are supposed to be is considered masculine. 

Wednesday, January 13, 2016

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Random Feminist Thoughts from Places

"Not every woman was put on the planet to be a shining ray of sunshine in your life."
It's sad how often I've actually used that line in my office. Nobody demands that the constantly angry project engineer smiles. Everyone tells me I should smile more. Go fuck yourself, bro, I've had a rough week. Just like all the other engineers here - except I'm the only female.

despise that so very much. My typical response: "I'll smile when you walk away." I'm sure that comes off as rude, but how much more rude is it to walk up to a complete stranger and order her to rearrange her face so that it is more to your liking? They just don't get it.

Odd how women are more worried about being perceived as rude than men are? Men defend their rudeness to a fault, while women will politely tell a guy touching her inappropriately to stop.
As a woman you are never allowed to just be sad/angry.

I ran a similar experiment. Set up a page as my friend with her permission just to see how men acted. I don't have male friends and I really don't know how men act toward women, and I thought I might learn some things to avoid, and possibly some things to do. She is an extremely good looking petite girl so I knew there would be unusual amounts of attention but the response was absolutely disgusting and simultaneously amazing.
I now hate men more than I did before. And I'm a man. Out of over 300 messages, less than 10% were actual introductions rather than a plain 'hi' or some rude sexual commentary. I responded to every single one of them. 90% of those turned into something sexual in less than 8 back/forth exchanges. In the end out of somewhere around 340 first contact msgs received, only one guy actually carried on a normal, reasonable conversation longer than a few paragraphs, and even he made one or two not entirely subtle hints in the process.
I now feel even worse for women than I did before, and I've basically given up on online dating because I know that even if I'm sincere and polite, I'll be lost in the flood of jizz-stained messages. Luckily, the day I was going to delete my POF account, I came across a ridiculously cute girl from down the road... she's exactly my type, really short with really short hair and tattoos, has 2 awesome kids, and is a decade younger than me. Honestly I don't know why in the world she's stuck around, but we're almost 3 months in and I feel lucky every time I think of her.
But back to the point - men hiding behind keyboards and screens are foul-mouthed deviant fuckwads and I am truly sorry you women have to deal with them.


I'm a girl, i made an r/r4r post and swore never again because my stats are similar. Lots of simple "hi"/"hi, how are you?" type messages and then...
Got some decent enough messages but they were, as you said, "lost in the flood of jizz-stained messages" and were largely from people from all across the globe I never had a chance of meeting but who replied "just to chat" because we had similar interests.
One guy carried a normal conversation, till we got on skype, cool you're a nudist but obvs then he wanted me to get into it too... Yeah right.
Many turned sexual or even started that way! I also got a lot of bratty messages: "why are you ignoring me"?
Lots of self deprecation/brattiness "maybe you'll not ignore me like every other girl" - nope, messages like that are why I will.
I said I'm not into gamers who's sole interests are gaming/fantasy related as I can't stand that stuff but gaming is cool as one of a few hobbies... Lots of "I'm not a gamer either but... I do have a [insert console]/I play with the guys occasionally/I use it to wind down from work now and again" and all of them eventually progressed into conversations about games and gaming and them being disappointed that my limitations are a couple of racing games and SSX for PS2 and a Game Boy Colour with Pokemon Yellow.
So disappointing at best, disturbing at worst with a lot of time-wasters in between.

So why not listen and attempt to empathize? It's the same thing as saying "I can't identify with being gay so I have no idea what homophobia feels like. It can't be that bad, can it?"
I have no idea what it's like to go hungry but I give to charity so starving kids can eat. I have no idea what it's like to experience my child die before birth due to a defect inside of me and travel 1200 miles across states to pay $1,000 that I don't have to a doctor I don't know for a painful termination procedure in the midst of my mourning, but I encourage Oklahoma women to vote against abortion restrictions (and you bet I vote in my home state!). I don't know what it's like to be black in America, so I read and talk to my black friends and participate in marches and I vote and I say something LOUDLY when I see racism. I don't know what it's like to be a man and have to figure out dating but I have talked to my husband many times about his experience to understand it so we can raise our son right. I don't know what it is to encounter a lot of stuff.
I do know what it's like to be a woman and to be fat. And I know that discrimination really sucks no matter who you are. I know that women can be misogynists and people of all races can be racists and people of all genders and backgrounds and religions and socioeconomic statuses can  be horrible, horrible people.
The thing to remember is, we're all people. We are each and every one of us an individual person. And we're all stuck living on this planet for a while. Can't we all just respect that fact and recognize that? Can't we each just take the extra effort to realize how much each of us can hurt each other and figure out how not to be jerks to one another, like, actively make the world a better place for the other randoms we come across?
So you've never experienced oppressive sexism and you probably never will, but you can see it bothers us enough that there are entire websites and twitter feeds and activists devoted to this cause. Maybe it IS a big deal and maybe there IS a way you can learn more about that experience to find empathy and try to see it through a different lens?
For example, I had my steam name as Daenerys Targaryen at one point. This was an easy way to harass me, "You are the hottest girl in the show", "I'm imagining you naked right now", "Will you fuck me?". The worst part of it is that I picked that name because I feel like she is a strong female character. She lost a child and came back from that and I've done the same. It was all harassment no matter how you sliced it. Then no one would listen to me in game. I would suggest a strategy and it would be ignored in favor of offering me sex and then calling me a cunt because I call them out on the bullshit.

Ever notice how politicians frame women's issues as "this affects out wives and daughters," not just "this affects women/people"?

http://www.psmag.com/health-and-behavior/women-arent-welcome-internet-72170

http://www.youthkiawaaz.com/2015/04/patriarchy-affects-men/

Friday, October 9, 2015

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Please also read these links...

depicting Indian culture written by young people....

http://akkarbakkar.com/attended-best-friends-mothers-wedding-ashamed-made-discovery/

http://akkarbakkar.com/voyeuristic-relatives-wouldnt-stop-peeking-bedroom/

http://akkarbakkar.com/6-things-brides-better-think-about-before-youth-mrs-them-forever/

http://akkarbakkar.com/what-it-feels-like-to-be-a-daughter-in-law-in-a-society-where-you-dont-marry-a-man-you-marry-a-family/

http://akkarbakkar.com/two-families-yet-none-ask-indian-bride/

http://akkarbakkar.com/10-horrible-things-every-indian-married-woman-has-heard-from-her-mother-in-law-once-in-her-life/

http://akkarbakkar.com/this-is-the-horrible-way-i-get-treated-at-home-because-im-the-princess/

http://akkarbakkar.com/attended-best-friends-mothers-wedding-ashamed-made-discovery/

http://akkarbakkar.com/this-is-what-everyone-who-wants-to-have-an-arranged-marriage-in-india-should-know-about-the-great-indian-morals/



http://akkarbakkar.com/dear-mensxp-i-wish-love-triumphed-religion-but-youre-wrong-its-something-else-that-triumphs-all-on-this-land/

http://akkarbakkar.com/questions-able-answer-get-married-shouldnt-marry-cant-answer-simple-questions/

http://akkarbakkar.com/if-the-end-of-this-video-does-not-make-you-cry-nothing-ever-will-thank-you-indian-entertainment-industry/






https://vimeo.com/105074353
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Entitlement from Indian Boys/Men in the News Recently

With Elliot Rodger's murder spree and this story in the news about a teen who threatened to kill the girls on his school's cheerleading team because they didn't give him nudes, I started thinking about how American culture and media tells boys that they deserve a girl's body and the girl herself as a "prize", never mind compatibility.

Then I started thinking about how that's rampant in India and arranged marriages are especially built for this. The ideals for the two sexes are so different; for males earning power comes first before looks and appearance and for females looks and household "skills" comes first, as well as how their demeanor should be (hint: mold able). Then it matters whether they are a doctor or not.

I read somewhere (can't find it now) of an old custom where the younger brother sleeps with the older brother's wife just to show him what carnality is like. Then his sister in law tells him, "If you study hard, you can have this too." This is implying that if he gets a good job then he will get a young pretty girl who will give him those pleasures each night, and those pleasures will give him the motivation to work hard.

On the other hand, no matter if a woman is a doctor or whatever, her earning power is seen as secondary to the husbands. This is anecdotal, but I have noticed that women who do become doctors are steered towards the more "gentler and flexible" positions such as general doctor or such.

What do you think?
Here is also another news article about how men are entitled to women's bodies, starting at a young age.



Friday, August 14, 2015

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I Want to Learn.......how to be a Feminist Intellectual and Increase IQ

Any good feminist knows that education is important, because without education, you are just sprouting out theories without knowing them truly. The most important thing is to know how to hold a conversation, how to stay calm during an argument, and know if your opponent is lying or not and what types of lies they are. Also you have to know critical thinking, separating truth from fiction, thinking faster. articulating etc. Other related things are delayed gratification, etc. I will post an article on this in the second part.

Some activities you can do for your brain to become like this are:

  • Chess
  • Rubix Cube
  • Lumosity (also a free app)...increases memory, faster thinking, etc.
Read authors such as


Shakespeare, Nietzsche, Frost, O'Connor, Kant, Pope, Locke, Oscar Wilde, and feminist historical books such as The Feminist Mystique, The Second Sex, etc. Authors such as Gloria Steinem and Simone de Beauvoir. 

Some of these can also be psychology/neuroscience books which will help you learn how YOU work and how others work. Examples of these are

The Marshmallow Test, etc. 

Also you can see intellectual and thought provoking speeches on TED TALKS. 

Learn about all the theories you can...this is a recommended website:
http://changingminds.org/explanations/theories/a_alphabetic.htm

Here are some other things you can learn about:

game theory
synthesia
rhetoric/fallacies/strawman/gaslighting (https://yourlogicalfallacyis.com/)
capitalism,socialism,nihilism, marxism, freudian,
jungian
Lateral Thinking (https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Lateral_thinking)

Other good sites:
http://rationalwiki.org/wiki/Main_Page
http://lesswrong.com/



Monday, August 3, 2015

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Links to read later

I haven't posted in a while, been busy with stuff.
Here are some links to read meanwhile on Youth Ki Awaaz. YKA is a really good website for Indian issues, made by young Indian youth. It goes to show how much our society is changing, because we wouldn't have had this kind of exposure and fervor for social issues even 5 years ago. Please check out not just these links but other ones. They have personal stories too, which is great at showing an unfiltered India.

http://www.youthkiawaaz.com/2015/07/exposing-mens-rights-activism/
http://www.youthkiawaaz.com/2015/07/forced-sterilization-of-women-in-india/
http://www.youthkiawaaz.com/2014/09/racism-in-india/

I will be back soon!

Friday, July 10, 2015

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"Men Eat Before Women", or Customs that Protect Male Entitlement

Even in urban India, there are still families who follow the custom of men eating before women. The women hover over the men, serving them, after having cooked for them, and the men lavishly eat. It is considered shameful if a woman lets the man get his own food, as he shouldn't have to do that.
What is this sense of male entitlement? And if one were to happen across on it, would she stay silent because it is a custom and their way of doing things, or would she speak out, even as a guest?

Even Swami Vivekananda said in his speech that,

"Then again, eating and drinking is all in the same category. We do not eat before superiors. Our women never eat before men, except they be the children or inferiors. The wife would die rather than, as she says, "munch" before her husband. Sometimes, for instance, brothers and sisters may eat together; and if I and my sister are eating, and the husband comes to the door, my sister stops, and the poor husband flies out."
http://www.ramakrishnavivekananda.info/vivekananda/volume_8/lectures_and_discourses/women_of_india.htm
                                               CLICK TO MAKE BIGGER
Here are some literary opinions on "male entitlement".

Endangered Daughters: Discrimination and Development in Asia (Page 127)

 By Elizabeth Croll
CLICK TO MAKE BIGGER

The Culture of Morality: Social Development, Context, and Conflict


 By Elliot Turiel