1 Step Forward, 2 Steps Back

Even in America, which is considered to be one of the most egalitarian countries in the world and a "1st World" country, has people like these....

Item 1: http://www.thegloss.com/2011/03/02/sex-and-dating/smart-men-tell-us-why-they-date-dumb-women/

The comments on this are atrocious. Yes, the men surveyed might have their own opinions regarding why they want a "stay at home, dumb" gal and that is their own preference.
Here are the award winning comments: (/s)

It's obvious that the Male biology (and ego) makes us want to be the dominant one in the relationship, I think every guy admitted to this in some way. But I think Hedge Funder hints at an important point. The Female biology wants a mate that she can look up to or respect as her superior in some way. Otherwise she loses respect for him and with that goes desirability as a mate. As he says, "Every alpha woman I know wants to be with a man who is as successful as her or more so." Men do NOT need this. Every man I know, after maturing past sowing their oats as it were, wants a woman that can love him in a way that he feels secure in her love. Whether that's cooking him dinner, being there emotionally after a rough day at work, having intellectually stimulating conversation, being a partner in business, a travel companion, bearing him healthy children or simply being an affectionate lover all varies by guy. Whatever it is for him, that's enough. She doesn't need to be successful, smart or anything else.
So picture this: You're a semi-successful, attractive business man. You're not really aware of what that key female trait is for you, but your heart draws you to it anyway so you don't need to be. Now, you are drawn to both a waitress and professional business woman. Who is it easier to Get Noticed By? Who is it easier to Impress? (Yes we all want to feel like we are impressing you!) Who is it easier to spend time with? Who is it easier to fall in Love with? If, in this scenario, the guy would be just as happy with either woman, Who would you choose?

Women are like assets. Dumb women are easier to manage and therefore more valuable. It’s that simple.

Smart girls are the NAGGERS, which also causes stress.
Maybe if smart girls get to spend the man's money they'll shut up, actually I've seen it and no they still nag more than the stupid happy girl.

In short, dumb girls are easy.
No, no, they're hot and easy. You forgot the upside!

women certainly have become very mean to us men and stupid over the years.
perhaps that is why the bible says women must be kept subservient to men. I'm agnostic myself, but all things considered, the bible does seem like a good guide to living life well, especially for stupid people who lack the wisdom to know any better (ie, women)

I want to dominate the relationship (in a virtual way... she wont be my slave, but I like the feeling). Intelligent women wont take that. TURN OFF!!Women may sometimes be somewhat intelligent, but seldom wise.
You feminists want equal opportunities and pay? Okay hypothetically let's say you get it, but afterwards you will complain that your man doesn't make more money than you and that you WANT to feel inferior? Why don't you quit your job and start learning how to please a man then biatches, you can't have both at the same time, doesn't take a genius to see that.
You create your own problems and blame the man for them. Is it any wonder why you turn men off? The only option you rich ladies have is to equally do as men do and try to buy a boytoy, and don't complain about it because we sure don't complain about hot bimbos.

Thanks, someone had to express that sentiment. It's always annoying to read about men using women to bolster their egos.
But of course what you say is not true. Most women, with their backwards laws of sexual attraction, still want these men more than any others, despite the force of reason in the back of their minds telling them these guys have used many women and have a 99% higher chance of being infected. As anyone who's taken at least psychology 101 should know, this isn't just pop psychology.
But all women are dumb, don't you see?

Perhaps with dumb women there are less questions to answer when they date them and they can satisfy them with gifts and all.

#1 and #7 are spot on. Two people who work like demons won't have any time for each other at all. One person has to be the hunter, the other, the gatherer. Hedge fund guy is a bottom-line, brass tacks person who can understand this. It isn't so much what people 'want,' it's what workable, and what isn't, according to the resources and capabilities at hand.
Think hedge-fund guy is a bit 'cold? 'in his practical way of thinking? Think about it this way; if we didn't have people like him - people who are capable of cutting through the emotional fluff to the raw data that helps SOLVE PROBLEMS - we'd be screwed.
#7 thinks in terms of economics. Also a good way to measure things.

someone tell matt langer to shut the fuck up (matt was the only feminist on the thread)

I don't think this question is thoroughly precise but by the way it is ask I presume the answer would be "because it is less intimidating to the ego of the man, and less pressure on him to start anything with a easier woman. "smart women" tends to be corrective and takes it too literally" Dating is meant to be fun.
smart women have big ego's and are actually more stupid than "stupid" girls who have much easier lives shopping and playing all from just looking good and leveraging their power of physical attraction to the fullest. They are jealous that their schooling didn't get them farther in life than the lazy ditz that just used the age old method prostitution. They are jealous that they are uglier too I bet.

In my experience a woman has no use for a man she looks down on. If she's taller, or smarter, or makes more money, that's one strike against him.
Why would a guy waste his time when he's already behind on the count?


A woman can't love a guy she doesn't respect. If there are more 'betters' on her side than his, she will never respect that guy enough to love him. Period. End of story.
How many high-caliber, urban career women do you know who are dating high-school teachers, union electricians, or cable installers? None? I thought so.
Let' stop slinging the crap and get with reality. Nature is what it is. Accept it, or suffer.

No man of any substance dates a stupid woman for very long. However, only douche-nozzles like Matt Langer find women sexy because they retain vague intellectual qualities. Intelligence is an essential part of a LTR for me, but to call it sexy makes you tantamount to the biggest "fucking toolbox" I know.

2. Item 2: "Like A Girl" Video

Here were one of the comments that really got me down. Our world might be improving in terms of gender relations but if parents teach children that gender equality doesn't matter then it will go on for generations. You can just imagine this little boy growing up to laugh off feminism and not give another thought to what are supposed to be thought provoking commercials like these.

So we're watching the Superbowl. We'd already had one awkward commercial with the domestic violence "pizza" 911 call. But when this "like a girl" spot comes on, it just got real quiet. When it finished, it was like people didn't know what to say. There was kind of a pregnant pause between the ads. At the moment of maximum embarrassment, my son lets out this huge sighing type yawn. I put my arm around him and said, "oh yeah, me too, man." People lost it and laughed for a good two minutes then. (The commercials are just crap this year. What a joke.)

Men are stronger, taller and faster than women, we are better in spatial coordination and have a better sense of direction, we have better hand-eye coordination and more precise control of large muscle movement and we have a better sense of perspective, all this makes us better at sport, it's undeniable, in most sports top female athletes can't compete with their top male counterparts, so it makes perfect sense to say like a girl when it comes to sports.

Since these traits are hardwired into the female brain, did it ever occur to you (feminists) that from an evolutionary standpoint, females are not supposed to have high confidence and self-esteem?
There is almost always a reason for everything in this world being the way it is...
Did you ever think girls lack self-confidence for a reason determined by nature and that you are fighting nature?

 

 

You run, hit, fight, throw, etc. like a girl because women are physically weaker than men.
That's why in sports you have women's league and men's league.
Get an all female team play against an all male team in any sport, see who wins.

 

Lmfao "a girl's confidence plummets when they start puberty" What about males? the male suicide rates are way higher..

 

 

The way the little girls ran and punch kind of proved that they're not very good at it

 

One of the most annoying things for me is when someone tries to prove me, that I insult him/her but I don't do that in fact. Phrase "like a girl" is insulting for men, but not for women. If I would say "You wear like girl" to guy would that be insult for women? No! That would be insult for this guy. So why saying "You run like girl" is an insult for women?! I have no damn idea why.
Anyways, a few days ago I saw woman, which literally was running "like girl" and I thought this is very cute. Then I remembered this feminist bullshit, so I returned here to say what I think about that.

 

I disagree with this...Its NOT meant as an insult..its TRUE! That most girls do those things..its not a slam but reality...Stereo Types arent bad, they are reality...ONLY in the last 3-4 years have stereo types become NEGATIVE...Yes people get offended, it happens...cant please everyone...sorry! Our society seems to be losing the ability to laugh at yourself olr to accept yourself...

 

it's not a matter of insulting, it's scientific fact, girls are not built to be athletic. before puberty, we are equal to boys, after it we are not. when i was in 6th grade i could run fast and do pull ups, in 7th grade i could not.

Girls are sissies if my opinion and should stick to playing with dolls.

 

Why is it that Girls must want to be like boys? Everyone knows that in the early phase of life girls develop faster than boys mentally and even physically but then later their bodies change as do boys. This is normal and mainly due to testosterone. Please people can we stop forcing girls to try to be boys and boys to try to be girls. I am so sick of a homogenous society where everyone must be equally good at everything and no-one is allowed their own identity whether thats a mental identity, gender or emotional one. Everyone is different race, religion, gender etc all combine to make us a world of unique people. Please stop forcing us to all be the same and rather appreciate the wonder of all out uniqueness.

 

Why do you think that whenever something comes out to empower women, men have to always put it down and trivialize and dismiss it? What was your "favorite" comment from this, and what would your response be to it? What do you think about all of this.

Arranged Marriage Truths Compilation Part 4 (Last)

Truths I have found compiled from different blogs and websites....(Last Part 4)

 Even today marriages are considered a burden, a job which is to be finished as soon as possible.

Parents feel that their obedient child is happy with whatever they have chosen. But when it comes to understanding the psychology, they step back and expect the child to compromise. Again I want to point out, this is especially with females. They are made to compromise everywhere. They are made to be the subordinate to their brothers before marriage and to husbands after marriage. Where are their own dreams? Why are they shattered before they even think of working on it. Girls do dream about their future partners and this is very natural. But very few could make their dream come true. All because of long flourishing tradition of arrange marriages.

Wellll great article …a traditional marriage in India …has all the elements to re establish the inferiority of the women… leave the “dowry” which is social..all the rituals in the ceremony itself…are all oppressive and insulting to women..Kanyadaan means..the women is a “possession” which is passed on from one man(father) to another man(husband)…Somebody mentioned vermilion here…It NOT a sign of what you think..It is sign that a girl is taken( Lost virginity as first sex has blood (conventional) and the vermilion is RED)

“Let a man be careful to honour his wife, for he owes to her alone all the blessings of his house.” -Talmud.

And finally Meera walked into the living room. Dressed in a simple salwaar kameez she came and served tea to the guests. She sat down grimly beside her parents while the boy’s family continued to stare at her. At last, Meera’s mom decided to break the silence and as she started speaking about her daughter it felt as though she was giving the job profile of her maid. “Oh she can cook anything. Indian, Lebanese, Chinese. She is good at household work too. She is…”

“She is an economics graduate with a post graduation in Business Administration. She is an author of several research papers and has been teaching at the University level for two years.”- finished Meera as she left the room disgusted.

Welcome to 21st Century India. We women are progressing after all. I mean look at us, we have six seats ‘reserved’ for us in public buses. We are leading political parties, multinational corporations; we dance around in movies wearing skimpy clothes without any objection from the Censor Board whatsoever. Ten years into a new era, a woman is no less than a man; she is gritty and brimming with self confidence. She carries herself with élan and smartly conceals that black patch underneath her eye which was a gift from her husband as dinner was not ready when he had come back from work, the night before.

There are thousands of other Meeras who are married off every day to someone they barely know because, ‘their parents know it best’. More often than not, these marriages fail miserably because the very premise of Indian marriages is based on a gender prejudice. Think about it. Why do women alone have to leave their parents house and settle down with her in laws irrespective of whether they respect her or not? We call it tradition but we never mean it. The younger generation although more aware, still feels that- “Only westernized families have the luxury of falling in love.” So then is that it, Is it okay to compromise our own happiness for some obtrusive convention we fondly call, - “TRADITION?”

“May you be the mother of hundred sons.”

For an Indian woman, her greatest accomplishment is motherhood. Everything prior to marriage is preparation. Everything after motherhood is reward for fulfilling her destined role. In Semitic religions, children are considered to be the “Gift of God”which leaves little scope for family planning. As far as a Hindu woman is concerned, it is tacitly understood that she must bear sons. Because, with the birth of a son the continuity and safe keeping of the father’s soul is assured. It is almost implied that bringing up a daughter would be a sheer waste since she is destined to cater to someone else’s family. No matter how much we debate, even in the present times the birth of a son calls for special celebration. And after thirty years, when the same son disposes his parents off to some old age home, his folks continue to believe that it was for their best. One can’t help being taken aback by such an astounding faith in a child whose immediate concern is anything but them.

Stupid Articles
http://www.quora.com/How-does-one-make-sure-that-the-bride-he-is-marrying-in-an-arranged-marriage-has-a-flat-stomach

http://www.youthkiawaaz.com/2014/05/better-side-arranged-marriages-will-one/

Arranged Marriage Truths Compilation Part 3

Truths I have found compiled from different blogs and websites....(Part 3)

If you think your parents know you better than your ownself, then its time you start growing up and figuring out what you really are… Its most important to connect to yourself before anyone else and NO, your parents can’t do that for you, mama’s boy… Its good to take your parents’opinion but its pathetic to consider their opinion as the bottom line… Final decision lies with the couple, not the families… They have to live together, families come together barely 3 times a year for festivities… (once in a while as written by you).. And if you need rituals to get to know each other, pray tell us have you gotten married to every friend you ever made in life to get to know him or her better, with something like 20 ceremonies???? And especially bride’s father spending, eh??? why plz??? Is the couple so useless that they cant sponsor their own wedding??? then maybe you should consider getting financially strong before jumping into marriage (n before u jump to stupid conclusions, i mean both should get financially independent, not just the guy).. Grow up, dude…

Marriage is beautiful and love is wonderful. But why cannot we let them both be natural, selective and free from obligations? Falling in love because you have to get married to a certain person out of filial duties and societal set up is anyways obligatory and not anyone’s first choice. It is a compromise.

http://www.youthkiawaaz.com/2011/07/are-marriages-really-worth-the-drama-the-bias-and-the-money/

I am firmly against arranged marriages since they devalue the individual. I believe that children who are being forced into arranged marriages should abandon their parents and break free from their tribal mindset.

I agree one hundred percent. ..the freedom of living life on your terms very important

Well is answer to the name of your article is yes marriage is a bond of compromise for the bride. I think it is all in our mind. We are independent and no one has any right to infringe our independence. The solution which i suggest is that first the groom needs to support her. He should be the one to stand against the family and support her to live the dreams which she have woven. If he is with her, then no one else matters.

The answer to all your questions lies in this one word-“choice”. Take for example- Many men and women wonder what’s the harm in changing the surname after marriage or how is it suppossed to oppress women? The mere fact that a women have no choice is oppressive. Women who work hard and build their identities with maiden name have to rebuild it many senses when they are compelled to change her name. If given a choice, there will be women who’d take their lovers/husbands surname and there would be many who’d like to keep their maiden surname. Simple. Taking your husband’s surname or not in no way shows how much you love your partner. Also the concept of stay at home dad’s is looked down upon in our society. Men who helped women in daily chores were traditionally labelled Joru ka ghulam.
However this is changing. I have examples at my home. My Brother just married off her girlfriend of four years. They have moved out of my dad’s home to build their own home and they are equal partners. My sister-in-law decided to keep her maiden surname and nobody in my family opposed. My brother loves to make his wife breakfast and do some cleaning on a daily basis.
Once we break out of social stereotypes and so called traditions which are nothing but sham, marriage and such institutions would not be a bond for compromise but a bond for love!
 Like it is said, “A new life awaits her”. She is expected to adjust to her in-laws’ mindset and catering to their every need. If a girl does not know how to cook or clean, it is told that her parents didn’t teach her anything. It is she who has to start life from the bottom. This is what is called “The bonding in marriage”.
All a man does is to bring his wife from her house to his own. Nowhere is he affected by the problem that he will have to leave his house and go or he will have to leave his family, friends and all the old relations behind to make new ones. He has the mentality that he has to just bring his wife home. After that she’ll be the one to look after his house and family. Never has it been thought what a woman must be going through while passing through this phase of renovating her life. The question still remains. Why does only a woman leave her everything for the man after marriage? Why not the other way round?

Arranged Marriage Truths Compilation Part 2

Truths I have found compiled from different blogs and websites....(Part 2)

Since childhood, a substantial part of a woman’s socialization is woven around her body. Whether it is her apparel or her posture, she is persistently reminded by her parents, the school and college authority the need to dress in a ‘decent’ manner, the imperative to conduct ‘appropriately’ and is given a list of proscriptions about how she should not sit or walk. An intimate scrutiny would reveal that the autonomy enjoyed by a woman is nominal as she has to be conscious 24×7 about the fashion in which she regulates her body. This preoccupation with the management and administration of a woman’s body insinuates that a woman’s honour and self-esteem rests in her body. Any scar in her body becomes a scar to her pride. Her body becomes synonymous to her womanhood. Hence, any blot to her self-respect can be injected through corporeal violation that would be an injury to her self-esteem too. This perception of purity of a woman’s body underscores the misogynistic attitude within a patriarchal framework that has been trailing the project of civilization.

 Young India has a truck load of pretty good reasons to tie the knot. Mind you, they all are very rational and logical. You see, the young India strives for perfection. And what is perfection without a fair, homely convent-educated girl or a teetotaller boy from a decent family based in the USA/UK with a handsome package. What else does one need? The young India follows its timetable very sternly and marriage is of course a part of the timetable. Then come the kids and after that we all know how life goes on.

How does young India contribute to the society? By getting married, which is very important. It is almost a social obligation. And you have to get married, no choice bro! Doesn’t matter if you are ready or not, doesn’t matter if you know, let alone love the person, you have to get married. Because it is the right thing to do. And who told you that? Of course your mommy and papa and they know the best. And who told them? Of course their mommy and papa. Hence it goes on, without any one ever questioning the mommy and papa that why is it so important to get married. It is a tradition, a ritual which has been passed down generations and young India doesn’t dare to raise an eyebrow (well, at least the majority doesn’t). Because you see, we are Indians and we don’t argue back with our elders.

The “strange man” who scared my parents away in my teens is now their favourite. The prime parameters for finding the “good guy” are three – Pics (like Picasa and Photoshop left anyone not-so-presentable), career graph and family background. How is he as a person is so not the point of concern – so it is only obvious that he could be one of those chauvinistic men telling me to quit my job and have no friends!

Unfortunately, most Indian girls are taught to be less ambitious and more docile. An ambitious girl ain’t marriage material! I feel very sad when I see many girls of my age being so dreamy about marriage and all….sometimes I feel, don’t they feel the need to prove they are better than what society thinks?? How can they do the same thing willingly which their mothers did forcefully?

Marriage is supposed to represent the beginning of a beautiful journey, but our society has successfully turned it into a race, in which no girl wants to be left behind. The pressure to fulfill societal expectations often causes one to obsess over marriage, rather than allowing it to happen in its natural course of time.

Arranged Marriage Truths Compilation Part 1

Truths I have found compiled from different blogs and websites....(Part 1)


Basically I first of all don’t believe in marriage in itself. I mean what do you expect that signing a piece of paper doesn’t bring you closer to anyone!! Just putting that ‘mang Mein sindur’ n ‘gale Mein mangalsutra’ doesn’t make a permanent bonding with certain person. Staying under one roof doesn’t help you to fall in love!! Can this piece of paper, mangalsutra and one bed bring two souls any closer if they actually don’t want to??? Its all about your happiness!! If you are happy to stay with a total stranger and spend your life trying to be happy with him then you are most welcome. But if not then better walk out of it. You don’t need to get married for staying happy.

Even if you say that people do fall in love over a period of time in arranged marriages, I will counter you by saying that it happens because they have to. They have no other options but accept what happens. It is a kind of ‘forced love’. Love, whereas, must be natural. (But, our society has a long way to go to start believing in and regarding anything as such. We have to overcome many notions like, “marriage is essential for everyone”, “pre-marital sex is a sin”, “a girl is not the ‘possession of her biological parents” etc., to reach a phase where natural love is what leads to marriage).

I agree with all the critique against the unnecessary pomp and splendor of marriages, the madness around ensuring that people DO GET married, and the horrendous idea of arrange marriage.

They want a woman who is smart and educated but who will be willing to put all that away at the drop of a hat if they ask her to.

This is so true! Sometimes the hypocrisy of the so-called “modern families” kills me. On one hand they want their daughters to be educated. And on the other hand they don’t want them to be “too educated” as that would reduce her desirability in the marriage circuit. They want their daughters to be independent and progressive. And the next moment they want their daughters to give in to the whims of their to-be husbands and in-laws. Its like raising a lamb only to slaughter it later!

My relatives say …”You have lived your life the way you wanted all these years..now its time to get married?” How in the world is that the best pitch for a marriage…you are making it sound like a freaking TRAP!

It must be a hypocritical society when the best choice it can afford to its women is between child marriage, or existing forever as an unmarried child.

http://www.youthkiawaaz.com/2012/06/her-marriage/

Apparently I am living in some Utopian country- because in my country there is no curfew in hostels- students are considered to be adult, mature and responsible people (men and WOMEN equally), so whatever they decide to do outside the hostel (go for drinking party, date, dance classes), they and only they will take the consequences if anything will happen- I never heard about any case, that parents of the student sued the university or college, because something happened to their kid while studying there (unless some mad professor killed the student :p )- I am a lawyer so I am up to date with such regulations and events. Second thing- background check- of course it is very important for every company to check the potential candidate, whom they are going to hire. But checking the background of father (btw- why only father? Why it is not important to check background of mother? Maybe father is recognized Manager in some big corporation, but mother committed some crime? Inequality, which is totally illogical)- such checking is totally irrelevant- first of all it is violating the legal regulations about privacy and protected data in my country, second of all- why should it matter, who is my mother and father- from the employer’s perspective of view only my data are important- my criminal record, my education and experience, because I will be working for this particular employer, not my mother or father. When it comes to activities and dressing of women- I will say only one thing- you should start taking care about more urgent problems in your country (corruption, female infanticide, poverty, discrimination, terrorism, list is quite long) rather than the length of woman’s dress- plus only uncouth, uncivilized, uneducated man judges woman and her character and morality on the base of her appearance and clothes. I am right now 27 years old, I was studying at one of the best universities in Europe, during that time I was enjoying my student time- I had many hobbies, I was going out for parties, to the cinema, opera, for sport, dance, and also accompanied by males- nothing bad happened to me ever, neither to hundreds of my friends (girls). Did I lose my reputation, because I was renting single apartment or going out with male friends? No, it didn’t happen. This is very good and important article. It’s the high time for India to give up this patriarchal system, which is the system of inequality and oppression, it’s time for starting thinking out of the box, it’s time for mental and social changes- only when society will change, than also stupid rule and regulations will change. You want to ensure safety for women? Educate your men, teach them that women are equal, human beings who deserve the same respect as men, and deserve for the same freedom- freedom of choice and living the life they want.

I Don't Know How I Feel About This....

 
One of the reasons I started to write this blog is that a lot of the issues that I talk about hit close to home for me. Once upon a time I thought that only my parents were rigid and cultured and protective of that but through blogs like Indian Homemaker, I realized that there are even more orthodox parents than mine, and mine are pretty orthodox. I think it is true about what they say about NRI's, that the parents especially live a life like they did back in India and are reluctant to change for fear of losing the culture, while in reality India has moved on and they have become a lot more modern than the NRI's think.
However, some of it stays the same, especially the arranged marriage circus. Because I did the shaadi.com experiment, I realized that while on the surface India appears more modern, its more traditional institutions like marriage retain the same shape, in the form of arranged marriage.
I just recently turned 20 and my parents have been dropping "hints" to get me prepared in the future for marriage, never mind that they haven't talked about sexuality or anything to me. It is automatically assumed that I get married. I remember the first time we had a fight about this. I was saying to them that I wasn't sure if I wanted to get married and they got all persuasive about why it was important, and they didn't want me to be alone if something happened to them. They said I would get "hoomph" which is Gujarati for comfort or warmth, from marriage. A certain security, if you will.
I think they have become more open about it since my cousin on my mom's side recently got engaged (she's the same age as me). She's studying to be a pharmacist and she didn't want to get engaged at first. But last summer she went to a marriage where her fiance's mother saw her and liked her (especially since she is thought to be beautiful, cultured, "sanskaari", etc). Their son was going to the UK to do his MBA (he's obviously older than her) and they didn't want him to "fall in love" with God knows who there (hint: not a Gujarati Brahmin Vegetarian Religious Cultured Good at Dancing Well-Educated Cheerful Tolerant Adjusting Obedient Pure Non-Smoking Non_Drinking Sheltered Homely Woman). So my cousin sister, who has obviously never had a boyfriend before and is encouraged to concentrate on her studies, is approached by this woman who wants her as a daughter-in-law (Well, they didn't approach her, they approached her parents). Her parents obviously didn't tell her this was happening at first, they wanted her to be unaware and concentrating on her studies, not stuff like this that she shouldn't be worrying her pretty little head about. They found out the boy's side was of the same caste and had a good reputation (from a "good" family") and they had a big house in the city, and they were modern and didn't ask for any dowry or anything. So they approached my cousin and asked her if she wanted to meet him. She said no, but they told her to at least give him a chance. So she and her other girl cousins went over to the boy's house, where his sister was there (she's in her mid-20's) and they talked, and from what I hear, it wasn't awkward or uncomfortable at all because she had her cousins with her and it was just like a friendly chat. So from this one talk, she told her parents she liked him and they started getting the engagement preparations ready. Her future mother-in-law bought her a dress and jewelry and took her to get ready at the beauty salon. My cousin's siblings dressed up too, her brother in a silk gray suit (you know, the ones that look shiny) and they had a small ceremony where he put a ring on it and they exchanged garlands. Guess how many days this happened in?? (You read right, not MONTHS or YEARS, but DAYS.) 4!!! She met him at Day 1 and got engaged on Day 4!! And then he went to the UK to do his MBA (it takes 3 years and 2 are already passed). Actually, he skipped some classes because he is so "smart" apparently and he's finishing his MBA up and coming back to India this spring. From what I hear they are very happy and my cousin is encouraged to talk to her fiance so they talk together and she even asked her parents for a new phone so she could see his face. She sends him pictures of food she makes, and she's adopted the in-laws as her own (like a good DIL) and goes to the movies! with them because they are basically alone now that one daughter is married and the son is in the UK. So they go out to eat and stuff and she's become rather attached to them, taking care of them and calling them Mom and Dad.
Anyways, I'm not being sarcastic because I'm jealous, but I'm just shocked at how sickeningly traditional this is. The poor girl doesn't even know who she is yet, hasn't even graduated college yet, and she's already "taken". I think it's cute that they talk and stuff but I don't know....there's just something off about taking the first person you see and being with them forever. She's never going to have time to discover herself, she's literally going directly from her parents house to her husband's house. There's supposed to be a sense of "security" in that, about protecting your little girl and making sure she doesn't get her heart broken, but is it security or suffocation? The marriage is supposed to be strong because it's backed and supported by both the families and if anything goes wrong the "elders" will be there to sort it out. There are millions of stories like hers and you already know how her future's going to play out...she's going to get married, go live in a joint family, have her suhaagraat, , the new family members/extended relatives/society are going to judge her like a piece of cattle and compliment her if she fits the traditional perfect role well which she will because she's beautiful,obedient yet talkative and friendly, the inlaws are going to start pressuring for grandkids, she's going to pop out a few kids, and maybe become a stay at home mom. The only refreshing thing is that her in laws are modern and even want her to drive. They've given her capris and jeans as presents because they want her to be modern like the girls her fiance sees in the UK. It's like he never left!
Anyways, the point is that my parents have started talking to me more and more about this, and when I asked them why, they said it's because they want to give me mental training to prepare me for it. My dad always likes to be prepared for the future and he likes security, so he started making a "marriage plan" for me. One thing that got me was that they said they wouldn't be doing this if I was going to med school because then I would have to concentrate on my studies. But since I am doing business it is ok? I don't think my dad is confident I'm going to get a job in this economy either, so he's making backup plans. When I asked him why, he told me that since we're going to bring someone from India (again, all his idea), it'll take "him" a few years to settle down and finish his residency. So I'll actually be "starting" my life when I'm 27. Also, my dad said he doesn't care how much I make (150K or 200K is fine, he said), but he wants the other guy to come and double the income so we can live a good life. I didn't realize you had to be a millionaire to live a good life.
This all would be fine if he was just dreaming about it with his head in the clouds, but he actually made the choice to go ahead and open a new email account for me, and talked to someone about putting an ad in the paper for me. He said it's going to be a plus point that I'm so fair and beautiful (fair according to Indian standards). I think I'm more like yellow.
So he's already made this huge plan about how if we get responses, then I'll see if I like them *no force* and then potentially we're going to go to India THIS SUMMER to check out the matches and if one seems good to us then I'll ideally be married by THIS WINTER along with my cousin (2 in 1 to save money). This all seems like a ridiculous joke and if somebody saw it they would think it is, but it's not. It's really sad actually. I am wary about this not happening to me and I for sure don't want to give up my freedom so I said no to him but I think he's actually going to go ahead with it anyways and see what happens.
I just feel really really uncomfortable about this whole situation. I know they're not "pressuring" me but they keep dropping hints about potential hypothetical situations that involve "my husband". I've told my mom I'm not sure I want to marry or have kids but her response is that no woman wants to get married but she has to, and that I will change my mind in the future. It's just, like, the rules of (anti) feminism!! I think deep down, they feel some sort of responsibility for me and that as parents their job isn't finished until they settle me down. They don't take me seriously and I just feel pushed into this box with each comment they make, like my future is already decided.
Maybe you can pinpoint why I feel so anxious about this whole thing and what exactly is it that makes me feel so uncomfortable. Is it that I feel humans are just turning into packages? So after they get their degree "stamped" on them, they are shipped into the marriage market? It sort of feels like this is what my life has been leading up to, the reason to study and the reason to work hard. I don't know how I feel about this...

Cat-Calling or "Eve-Teasing" in India

 
I thought after the Nirbhaya rape, things had improved. Even my mom said when she visited India in 2014, that she felt things were improving and there was no cat-calling. Guess not.....

 

Skin Color In India

I came across this while working on my mega Shaadi.com Experiment that I told you about a few posts back. I found this and thought I would share. This is funny, but also shows how much the "fairer" skin color is valued, even in males. Maybe he was actually telling the truth and it was just the lighting that caused him to look like that (sarcasm).

 But really, did this guy think he could fool anyone? 

Update: Sexuality in Arranged Marriages

My last post was featured on the popular blog Indian Homemaker and I am so thankful I got a lot of responses! 

I realized a lot of it has to do with the collectivist mentality that is the default in Eastern cultures. Basically, the parents are so afraid that the child will get out of hand and marry someone totally different and then the lineage, traditions, and culture will be ruined! That is why they don't encourage girls to explore their sexuality because the girls are being bred for a certain type of marriage that is secure and stable in the family's and community's approval and blessing. 

One comment by wordssetmefree.wordpress.com really stood out to me, she mentioned her thoughts so eloquently that I cannot help but post her response here.She replied specifically to this part: 

“But in Indian arranged marriages, you have to decide in 1-3 meetings if you like each other or not (never mind getting to know each other-the elders think that can happen AFTER marriage!)
Never mind figuring out what TYPE of sexuality you have, how do you even know you HAVE a sex drive/sexuality if you are pushed into it like that after repressing it for that long? How many Indian couples are actually physically attracted to each other? There is no room for not being “sure” of your sexuality, it is assumed that you are straight and like men/or women even if you have never had a relationship before! Also what if you find out on your wedding night you are not attracted to your SO?”
And she replied: 

Well, the purpose of an arranged marriage is to bring in a woman who will fit into the man’s family and play her assigned role with gratitude – child bearer, cooks the family’s familiar meals, caregiver for the elders, satisfies the man’s sexual needs, accompanies him to social events, maintains the family’s traditions, does the family pujas and vrats, and has a proper transition plan for the incoming d-i-l who will take her place.

So, no one really cares if the husband and wife bond with each other. Because God forbid, if they did, they would start thinking about their own dreams and have their own vision for the kind of life they want to live together. Which doesn’t suit the clan one bit.

So all individual expression must be suppressed. Any laughter or friendship between husband and wife is frowned upon. Time spent together without others is disapproved of. If the husband is even a little bit romantic or caring (brings her a beautiful saree or tucks her hair behind her ear), he is labelled “hen-pecked” or a “joru ka gulaam”. How is sexual exploration even possible without laughter, without friendship, without romance, without bonding?

So the answer is no, they will not know what each other’s sexual desires or preferences are, or if they have compatible orientations. For the man, it is a hurried, hushed guilty pleasure that he will never explore fully. For the women, it can become a chore, a boring necessity, an obligation, due to socially conditioned repression and lack of sex education. For both, sex is an act that is required to produce kids. This is the absolute traditional Indian view of sex. Not Kama Sutra but how the everyday traditional Indian sees it.

It is possible that this is changing due to increasing awareness and experimentation and dating among young people, although we do not know the exact extent of this change. It might make an interesting study for social behaviorists.

What is your opinion? Any commentary or stories to add? Do you agree or disagree and why?