You will "Grow into" Your Partner and Your Marriage

One advantage of being in an Indian marriage (arranged) mindset is that there is no such thing as soulmates. I don't believe in soulmates, and I think that is just the one thing that the West's ideas of love and marriage have gotten wrong. I think that instead of soulmates, there are many people that you can be compatible with and live your life with, some more compatible than others.
 
However, one disadvantage of not believing in soulmates is that your parents think you can just settle with anyone, even if you don't love them. Isn't that what the whole idea of arranged marriage is about? That you find a girl or boy, ask them a few questions, and if your values/beliefs match, then there is no need to sweat the small stuff, such as likes and dislikes. There is some truth to this, but at the same time you have to be similar enough where you can understand each other.

One good analogy for this is niceness. Most people are nice, that is a fact, or maybe something I choose to believe in. Also, most people want a partner who is also nice. With that logic, people would be compatible with almost everyone they meet, however we know that's not the case. There has to be that something that makes you feel like you click on a different level than you click with most people you meet.

But it seems that Indian parents vehemently want to believe in this logic. When they find someone your age with the same mindsets as them, they think that at first you won't mix but "theere theere love ho jayega". They think if you live with someone for a long time, love will automatically form. That is why in their main criteria, they look for how much money a boy earns and if he is from a "respectable" family, or how educated, religious and homely a girl is, instead of looking at how they fit with their child.

That is why if there is a very eligible bachelor in town, and all the girls' families want him, girls are told that they would be lucky to have him, even if they have nothing in common and radically different ideas. It is almost like the guy/girl has to make the parents' checklist before making it into the child's checklist, even though it is the child that has to spend their life with that person.

If a marriage isn't working out, then elders tell the couple it will 'take some time' and to 'adjust'. And the girl is especially supposed to mold herself seamlessly into her husband's family. You are told you will "grow into" the marriage. But does that really happen?

That's why the comment below from this thread on Reddit really stuck me (especially the underlined part).

It depends. If the girl is from the same mindset as your parents(traditional, religious), you probably won't 'grow into it' because the two of you are so ideologically different.

Your parents probably don't understand the complete situation from your point of view. They probably think you just have a few different lifestyle choices and tastes, and it's a passing phase which you will grow out of, but both you and I know it's more than that.

If you are really lucky, your parents will find a girl with a similar mindset as yours. But otherwise, you will not settle down with a girl who is radically different from you.

Arranged Marriage Truths Compilation Part 4 (Last)

Truths I have found compiled from different blogs and websites....(Last Part 4)

 Even today marriages are considered a burden, a job which is to be finished as soon as possible.

Parents feel that their obedient child is happy with whatever they have chosen. But when it comes to understanding the psychology, they step back and expect the child to compromise. Again I want to point out, this is especially with females. They are made to compromise everywhere. They are made to be the subordinate to their brothers before marriage and to husbands after marriage. Where are their own dreams? Why are they shattered before they even think of working on it. Girls do dream about their future partners and this is very natural. But very few could make their dream come true. All because of long flourishing tradition of arrange marriages.

Wellll great article …a traditional marriage in India …has all the elements to re establish the inferiority of the women… leave the “dowry” which is social..all the rituals in the ceremony itself…are all oppressive and insulting to women..Kanyadaan means..the women is a “possession” which is passed on from one man(father) to another man(husband)…Somebody mentioned vermilion here…It NOT a sign of what you think..It is sign that a girl is taken( Lost virginity as first sex has blood (conventional) and the vermilion is RED)

“Let a man be careful to honour his wife, for he owes to her alone all the blessings of his house.” -Talmud.

And finally Meera walked into the living room. Dressed in a simple salwaar kameez she came and served tea to the guests. She sat down grimly beside her parents while the boy’s family continued to stare at her. At last, Meera’s mom decided to break the silence and as she started speaking about her daughter it felt as though she was giving the job profile of her maid. “Oh she can cook anything. Indian, Lebanese, Chinese. She is good at household work too. She is…”

“She is an economics graduate with a post graduation in Business Administration. She is an author of several research papers and has been teaching at the University level for two years.”- finished Meera as she left the room disgusted.

Welcome to 21st Century India. We women are progressing after all. I mean look at us, we have six seats ‘reserved’ for us in public buses. We are leading political parties, multinational corporations; we dance around in movies wearing skimpy clothes without any objection from the Censor Board whatsoever. Ten years into a new era, a woman is no less than a man; she is gritty and brimming with self confidence. She carries herself with élan and smartly conceals that black patch underneath her eye which was a gift from her husband as dinner was not ready when he had come back from work, the night before.

There are thousands of other Meeras who are married off every day to someone they barely know because, ‘their parents know it best’. More often than not, these marriages fail miserably because the very premise of Indian marriages is based on a gender prejudice. Think about it. Why do women alone have to leave their parents house and settle down with her in laws irrespective of whether they respect her or not? We call it tradition but we never mean it. The younger generation although more aware, still feels that- “Only westernized families have the luxury of falling in love.” So then is that it, Is it okay to compromise our own happiness for some obtrusive convention we fondly call, - “TRADITION?”

“May you be the mother of hundred sons.”

For an Indian woman, her greatest accomplishment is motherhood. Everything prior to marriage is preparation. Everything after motherhood is reward for fulfilling her destined role. In Semitic religions, children are considered to be the “Gift of God”which leaves little scope for family planning. As far as a Hindu woman is concerned, it is tacitly understood that she must bear sons. Because, with the birth of a son the continuity and safe keeping of the father’s soul is assured. It is almost implied that bringing up a daughter would be a sheer waste since she is destined to cater to someone else’s family. No matter how much we debate, even in the present times the birth of a son calls for special celebration. And after thirty years, when the same son disposes his parents off to some old age home, his folks continue to believe that it was for their best. One can’t help being taken aback by such an astounding faith in a child whose immediate concern is anything but them.

Stupid Articles
http://www.quora.com/How-does-one-make-sure-that-the-bride-he-is-marrying-in-an-arranged-marriage-has-a-flat-stomach

http://www.youthkiawaaz.com/2014/05/better-side-arranged-marriages-will-one/

Arranged Marriage Truths Compilation Part 3

Truths I have found compiled from different blogs and websites....(Part 3)

If you think your parents know you better than your ownself, then its time you start growing up and figuring out what you really are… Its most important to connect to yourself before anyone else and NO, your parents can’t do that for you, mama’s boy… Its good to take your parents’opinion but its pathetic to consider their opinion as the bottom line… Final decision lies with the couple, not the families… They have to live together, families come together barely 3 times a year for festivities… (once in a while as written by you).. And if you need rituals to get to know each other, pray tell us have you gotten married to every friend you ever made in life to get to know him or her better, with something like 20 ceremonies???? And especially bride’s father spending, eh??? why plz??? Is the couple so useless that they cant sponsor their own wedding??? then maybe you should consider getting financially strong before jumping into marriage (n before u jump to stupid conclusions, i mean both should get financially independent, not just the guy).. Grow up, dude…

Marriage is beautiful and love is wonderful. But why cannot we let them both be natural, selective and free from obligations? Falling in love because you have to get married to a certain person out of filial duties and societal set up is anyways obligatory and not anyone’s first choice. It is a compromise.

http://www.youthkiawaaz.com/2011/07/are-marriages-really-worth-the-drama-the-bias-and-the-money/

I am firmly against arranged marriages since they devalue the individual. I believe that children who are being forced into arranged marriages should abandon their parents and break free from their tribal mindset.

I agree one hundred percent. ..the freedom of living life on your terms very important

Well is answer to the name of your article is yes marriage is a bond of compromise for the bride. I think it is all in our mind. We are independent and no one has any right to infringe our independence. The solution which i suggest is that first the groom needs to support her. He should be the one to stand against the family and support her to live the dreams which she have woven. If he is with her, then no one else matters.

The answer to all your questions lies in this one word-“choice”. Take for example- Many men and women wonder what’s the harm in changing the surname after marriage or how is it suppossed to oppress women? The mere fact that a women have no choice is oppressive. Women who work hard and build their identities with maiden name have to rebuild it many senses when they are compelled to change her name. If given a choice, there will be women who’d take their lovers/husbands surname and there would be many who’d like to keep their maiden surname. Simple. Taking your husband’s surname or not in no way shows how much you love your partner. Also the concept of stay at home dad’s is looked down upon in our society. Men who helped women in daily chores were traditionally labelled Joru ka ghulam.
However this is changing. I have examples at my home. My Brother just married off her girlfriend of four years. They have moved out of my dad’s home to build their own home and they are equal partners. My sister-in-law decided to keep her maiden surname and nobody in my family opposed. My brother loves to make his wife breakfast and do some cleaning on a daily basis.
Once we break out of social stereotypes and so called traditions which are nothing but sham, marriage and such institutions would not be a bond for compromise but a bond for love!
 Like it is said, “A new life awaits her”. She is expected to adjust to her in-laws’ mindset and catering to their every need. If a girl does not know how to cook or clean, it is told that her parents didn’t teach her anything. It is she who has to start life from the bottom. This is what is called “The bonding in marriage”.
All a man does is to bring his wife from her house to his own. Nowhere is he affected by the problem that he will have to leave his house and go or he will have to leave his family, friends and all the old relations behind to make new ones. He has the mentality that he has to just bring his wife home. After that she’ll be the one to look after his house and family. Never has it been thought what a woman must be going through while passing through this phase of renovating her life. The question still remains. Why does only a woman leave her everything for the man after marriage? Why not the other way round?

Arranged Marriage Truths Compilation Part 2

Truths I have found compiled from different blogs and websites....(Part 2)

Since childhood, a substantial part of a woman’s socialization is woven around her body. Whether it is her apparel or her posture, she is persistently reminded by her parents, the school and college authority the need to dress in a ‘decent’ manner, the imperative to conduct ‘appropriately’ and is given a list of proscriptions about how she should not sit or walk. An intimate scrutiny would reveal that the autonomy enjoyed by a woman is nominal as she has to be conscious 24×7 about the fashion in which she regulates her body. This preoccupation with the management and administration of a woman’s body insinuates that a woman’s honour and self-esteem rests in her body. Any scar in her body becomes a scar to her pride. Her body becomes synonymous to her womanhood. Hence, any blot to her self-respect can be injected through corporeal violation that would be an injury to her self-esteem too. This perception of purity of a woman’s body underscores the misogynistic attitude within a patriarchal framework that has been trailing the project of civilization.

 Young India has a truck load of pretty good reasons to tie the knot. Mind you, they all are very rational and logical. You see, the young India strives for perfection. And what is perfection without a fair, homely convent-educated girl or a teetotaller boy from a decent family based in the USA/UK with a handsome package. What else does one need? The young India follows its timetable very sternly and marriage is of course a part of the timetable. Then come the kids and after that we all know how life goes on.

How does young India contribute to the society? By getting married, which is very important. It is almost a social obligation. And you have to get married, no choice bro! Doesn’t matter if you are ready or not, doesn’t matter if you know, let alone love the person, you have to get married. Because it is the right thing to do. And who told you that? Of course your mommy and papa and they know the best. And who told them? Of course their mommy and papa. Hence it goes on, without any one ever questioning the mommy and papa that why is it so important to get married. It is a tradition, a ritual which has been passed down generations and young India doesn’t dare to raise an eyebrow (well, at least the majority doesn’t). Because you see, we are Indians and we don’t argue back with our elders.

The “strange man” who scared my parents away in my teens is now their favourite. The prime parameters for finding the “good guy” are three – Pics (like Picasa and Photoshop left anyone not-so-presentable), career graph and family background. How is he as a person is so not the point of concern – so it is only obvious that he could be one of those chauvinistic men telling me to quit my job and have no friends!

Unfortunately, most Indian girls are taught to be less ambitious and more docile. An ambitious girl ain’t marriage material! I feel very sad when I see many girls of my age being so dreamy about marriage and all….sometimes I feel, don’t they feel the need to prove they are better than what society thinks?? How can they do the same thing willingly which their mothers did forcefully?

Marriage is supposed to represent the beginning of a beautiful journey, but our society has successfully turned it into a race, in which no girl wants to be left behind. The pressure to fulfill societal expectations often causes one to obsess over marriage, rather than allowing it to happen in its natural course of time.

Arranged Marriage Truths Compilation Part 1

Truths I have found compiled from different blogs and websites....(Part 1)


Basically I first of all don’t believe in marriage in itself. I mean what do you expect that signing a piece of paper doesn’t bring you closer to anyone!! Just putting that ‘mang Mein sindur’ n ‘gale Mein mangalsutra’ doesn’t make a permanent bonding with certain person. Staying under one roof doesn’t help you to fall in love!! Can this piece of paper, mangalsutra and one bed bring two souls any closer if they actually don’t want to??? Its all about your happiness!! If you are happy to stay with a total stranger and spend your life trying to be happy with him then you are most welcome. But if not then better walk out of it. You don’t need to get married for staying happy.

Even if you say that people do fall in love over a period of time in arranged marriages, I will counter you by saying that it happens because they have to. They have no other options but accept what happens. It is a kind of ‘forced love’. Love, whereas, must be natural. (But, our society has a long way to go to start believing in and regarding anything as such. We have to overcome many notions like, “marriage is essential for everyone”, “pre-marital sex is a sin”, “a girl is not the ‘possession of her biological parents” etc., to reach a phase where natural love is what leads to marriage).

I agree with all the critique against the unnecessary pomp and splendor of marriages, the madness around ensuring that people DO GET married, and the horrendous idea of arrange marriage.

They want a woman who is smart and educated but who will be willing to put all that away at the drop of a hat if they ask her to.

This is so true! Sometimes the hypocrisy of the so-called “modern families” kills me. On one hand they want their daughters to be educated. And on the other hand they don’t want them to be “too educated” as that would reduce her desirability in the marriage circuit. They want their daughters to be independent and progressive. And the next moment they want their daughters to give in to the whims of their to-be husbands and in-laws. Its like raising a lamb only to slaughter it later!

My relatives say …”You have lived your life the way you wanted all these years..now its time to get married?” How in the world is that the best pitch for a marriage…you are making it sound like a freaking TRAP!

It must be a hypocritical society when the best choice it can afford to its women is between child marriage, or existing forever as an unmarried child.

http://www.youthkiawaaz.com/2012/06/her-marriage/

Apparently I am living in some Utopian country- because in my country there is no curfew in hostels- students are considered to be adult, mature and responsible people (men and WOMEN equally), so whatever they decide to do outside the hostel (go for drinking party, date, dance classes), they and only they will take the consequences if anything will happen- I never heard about any case, that parents of the student sued the university or college, because something happened to their kid while studying there (unless some mad professor killed the student :p )- I am a lawyer so I am up to date with such regulations and events. Second thing- background check- of course it is very important for every company to check the potential candidate, whom they are going to hire. But checking the background of father (btw- why only father? Why it is not important to check background of mother? Maybe father is recognized Manager in some big corporation, but mother committed some crime? Inequality, which is totally illogical)- such checking is totally irrelevant- first of all it is violating the legal regulations about privacy and protected data in my country, second of all- why should it matter, who is my mother and father- from the employer’s perspective of view only my data are important- my criminal record, my education and experience, because I will be working for this particular employer, not my mother or father. When it comes to activities and dressing of women- I will say only one thing- you should start taking care about more urgent problems in your country (corruption, female infanticide, poverty, discrimination, terrorism, list is quite long) rather than the length of woman’s dress- plus only uncouth, uncivilized, uneducated man judges woman and her character and morality on the base of her appearance and clothes. I am right now 27 years old, I was studying at one of the best universities in Europe, during that time I was enjoying my student time- I had many hobbies, I was going out for parties, to the cinema, opera, for sport, dance, and also accompanied by males- nothing bad happened to me ever, neither to hundreds of my friends (girls). Did I lose my reputation, because I was renting single apartment or going out with male friends? No, it didn’t happen. This is very good and important article. It’s the high time for India to give up this patriarchal system, which is the system of inequality and oppression, it’s time for starting thinking out of the box, it’s time for mental and social changes- only when society will change, than also stupid rule and regulations will change. You want to ensure safety for women? Educate your men, teach them that women are equal, human beings who deserve the same respect as men, and deserve for the same freedom- freedom of choice and living the life they want.

Update: Sexuality in Arranged Marriages

My last post was featured on the popular blog Indian Homemaker and I am so thankful I got a lot of responses! 

I realized a lot of it has to do with the collectivist mentality that is the default in Eastern cultures. Basically, the parents are so afraid that the child will get out of hand and marry someone totally different and then the lineage, traditions, and culture will be ruined! That is why they don't encourage girls to explore their sexuality because the girls are being bred for a certain type of marriage that is secure and stable in the family's and community's approval and blessing. 

One comment by wordssetmefree.wordpress.com really stood out to me, she mentioned her thoughts so eloquently that I cannot help but post her response here.She replied specifically to this part: 

“But in Indian arranged marriages, you have to decide in 1-3 meetings if you like each other or not (never mind getting to know each other-the elders think that can happen AFTER marriage!)
Never mind figuring out what TYPE of sexuality you have, how do you even know you HAVE a sex drive/sexuality if you are pushed into it like that after repressing it for that long? How many Indian couples are actually physically attracted to each other? There is no room for not being “sure” of your sexuality, it is assumed that you are straight and like men/or women even if you have never had a relationship before! Also what if you find out on your wedding night you are not attracted to your SO?”
And she replied: 

Well, the purpose of an arranged marriage is to bring in a woman who will fit into the man’s family and play her assigned role with gratitude – child bearer, cooks the family’s familiar meals, caregiver for the elders, satisfies the man’s sexual needs, accompanies him to social events, maintains the family’s traditions, does the family pujas and vrats, and has a proper transition plan for the incoming d-i-l who will take her place.

So, no one really cares if the husband and wife bond with each other. Because God forbid, if they did, they would start thinking about their own dreams and have their own vision for the kind of life they want to live together. Which doesn’t suit the clan one bit.

So all individual expression must be suppressed. Any laughter or friendship between husband and wife is frowned upon. Time spent together without others is disapproved of. If the husband is even a little bit romantic or caring (brings her a beautiful saree or tucks her hair behind her ear), he is labelled “hen-pecked” or a “joru ka gulaam”. How is sexual exploration even possible without laughter, without friendship, without romance, without bonding?

So the answer is no, they will not know what each other’s sexual desires or preferences are, or if they have compatible orientations. For the man, it is a hurried, hushed guilty pleasure that he will never explore fully. For the women, it can become a chore, a boring necessity, an obligation, due to socially conditioned repression and lack of sex education. For both, sex is an act that is required to produce kids. This is the absolute traditional Indian view of sex. Not Kama Sutra but how the everyday traditional Indian sees it.

It is possible that this is changing due to increasing awareness and experimentation and dating among young people, although we do not know the exact extent of this change. It might make an interesting study for social behaviorists.

What is your opinion? Any commentary or stories to add? Do you agree or disagree and why?

Ghar Jamai Raja

It amazes me, that even in 2014 we still have outdated notions that just will not quit! 

One example of this happened the day before yesterday. My family and I were relaxing on the couch and the topic of the Hindi serial "Ghar Jamai Raja" (Loose Translation: King of the House, Son-In-Law) came up. It is a serial where basically the guy moves in with the girl's family and rules the roost, being lazy and not doing anything, and generally being expected to be treated as a king.

 Now, as my age gets closer and closer to marriageable age, my parents used me as an example to explain what the name of the serial meant. "For example, IAF, if your husband moved in with us, how funny would that be!". I got the sense that it was supposed to be emasculating if a guy moved into a girl's parent's home. But in situations where I detect sexism, I usually just pretend I don't understand and get them to explain thoroughly so hopefully they hear just how stupid they sound. "So why did mom move into dad's house then? Wouldn't that be funny too?" My mom gave an uncomfortable laugh and said, "no beta, that's the tradition, the way it's supposed to be". 

They thought it was despicable if a guy moved into a girl's parent's home and they had to take care of him, as a burden, but if the opposite happened it was a "tradition"? I suppose in exchange of the boy's family taking the girl in, she was expected to do household work, almost as a new maid. Finally, after I kept asking why it was so different between both the sexes,  my grandma laughed helplessly and said, "It's because you are a daughter, and your "husband" is a son. That's why it's different". 

Ohhh. Now I get it. NOT. My parents have never treated me less than, especially since we live in the US and also because I won't let them, but I can't believe that in things like this, I am still discriminated against. I said my grandma laughed helplessly because it sounded like there was nothing she could do about it, that that's just the way things are. I hate it when people think like that and I admit even I think like that sometimes, but all those traditions then become a box that is imprisoning and restricting us. I wish I could explain to my grandma that the customs do not control us, we control the customs. If we don't like the way something is done, we should make our own history. And damn the old "lekin log kya kahenge?" (Translation: But what will people say?) 

Anyways, my parents agreed that I am not ready for "marriage" yet because I have not acquired all the virtues of being a good wife, and those virtues are necessary for making a marriage last b/c *gasp* it is up to the woman to adjust and in the words of Tim Gunn, "make it work tm" Some of those virtues they mentioned are being tolerant (sahansil), and hardworking. I tried explaining to them that I didn't think being tolerant was going to win brownie points, especially since it is very easy for that tolerance to turn into tolerance of abuse and insults, just for the sake of *preserving* the marriage. I think the concept is still foreign to them. But I think they really are afraid of getting me "married" because to them I am unpredictable and unstable and it would be better for me not to get married at all than to get married and come home to them and say "I am back! It didn't work out!".

 Because don't you know, I'm supposed to make the marriage work AT ALL COSTS. Even if I am not happy I should make a facade and pretend to be happy and that everything is perfect because a marriage is supposed to be FOREVER and DIVORCE is not an option. It will bring shame upon the family. SHAME, I tell you. SHAME. /end sarcasm

I don't think my family is ready to be that liberal yet, but with two feminists in the house (me and my apprentice sister), they will be forced to broaden their horizon, whether they like it or not. 

Indian Parents and Hypocrisy Part 2..

A broken sentence rant about my recent feelings on traditional orthodox Indian parents.....
hopefully you understand. I think people who have gone through these things anyways don't need a lot of explanation to inherently realize where I'm coming from.

-living marriage by the script and religious leaders are happy they're doing it their way
-conformity
-right stages of life
-fit people into boxes
-what is success and happiness.to outsiders...kids, house, marriage....get married, stay married
-do indian parents want their children to be happy
-automatons daughters programmed
-career, religion
-parent approved sex at parent approved time with parent approved spouse
-sex dirty, want to kill everyone who has it, betrayal by parents: how can they act so normal and innocent when they've done a dirty thing.
-guilty and ashamed feelings
-want to vomit
-sinful, god sinful
-purity...good/bad...black/white.
-judge people.......ignore if they smoke/drink b/c then everything else must be bad about them. dealbreaker
-gender conformity
-obedient, well behaved, bharatnatyam, good grades, gender conformity, innocence, chastity, purity, virginity but enthusiastic and make people laugh, always happy and smiling, good grades, religious, traditional, orthodox in mind, but modern in clothing/etc, outspoken, able to fit in, outgoing, but sexist...enthusiastic always happy servant..perfect
-"look how well our child fits into approved boxes"
-scared to risk b/c get hurt....and b/c dont have experiences and so isolated and sheltered, every experience we have does have a bigger impact on us......self fulfilling prophecy....scared of told you so
-security: girl goes from mom/dad.....straight to husband.....no risk..everything planned out...no heartbreak or soul searching

Marriage and Indian Parents part1

Here are some comments that stood out to me from other Indian feminist blogs about marriage and parents.

I don’t think its right to say Indian parents don’t want their children to be happy. It’s just that they think they know best for their children, never mind that their children are fully grown adults with serious careers who have been living by themselves for years now. They genuinely think that the differences – cultural, religious, language, whatever – are big enough to cause problems for the couple. This is because the parents come from that sort of a milieu, where they have been married to someone from another background, and have learnt to adjust and leave – so isn’t that what is going to work best for their children too?
The other problem is that India is still very much a collective culture, in the sense that the happiness of the group is much more important than the happiness of the individual. And it’s at the root of the ‘what will people think’ chant of many Indians, especially many older Indians. So Indian parents want their children to marry somebody who is acceptable to society – someone from the opposite sex, someone who is equally well off, if not more, someone from the same country/state/religion/caste etc.
I hope I’m not out of line when I say this, but in all this discussion around Indian parents, let’s not forget that your man is a fully grown adult who should be making his decisions for himself. I have known enough people who have faced opposition from their parents and managed to deal with it and marry the partner of their choice, either by convincing his parents or going ahead without their blessings. So maybe you are better off without a partner who is unable to make a difficult decision and stand by it.
 I don’t think Indian girls were ever raised to think about or care whether their husband is a virgin or not – only their own virginity is ever discussed and fetished.
http://indianhomemaker.wordpress.com/2014/06/04/you-can-listen-to-your-parents-and-be-unhappy-or-you-can-go-against-them-and-feel-guilty-those-are-your-choices/
http://indianhomemaker.wordpress.com/2011/07/07/an-email-from-an-indian-husband/

Some Indian parents can’t care less how many girls their son “scored” before getting married. What matters is that they, the parents finally “win”. The guy’s ill morals is something that nobody challenges. And I’m talking about living examples, people that I know myself.

-we have a system, which asks us to compromise on many things..
it is highly difficult for a self reliant individual

Parents do not want their children to be happy. They want their children to fit into a mould for their sake, and for the sake of appearances.

It’s blackmail, pure and simple. The threat is the severance of family ties unless the girl/guy gets married to one of their choice. Because of this, I think its perfectly fair to call the blackmailer’s bluff and just go ahead. It’s a choice between making yourself happy versus making someone else happy at your expense – for life.

Yes our parents did a lot for us. Yes they are grateful. But to use that as a bludgeon and threaten excommunication reveals the true intentions behind this “love”. It’s not love. It’s control.

For many Indian parents, (male) children are an investment. They are pushed into nice, traditional life-trajectories, pushed into nice, conventional careers, pushed into marriage with nice, traditional women, and guilted and emotionally blackmailed into behaving like nice little minions of their parents. Forever.

What is important to them is their future security, their control over their children (mostly sons), their ownership over the d-i-l and grandchildren, their standing is society, the amount on money they can make from a son’s marriage, their remaining number one in their son’s life even though he has a wife and kids. The son’s happiness does not matter. Not because they are inherently mean people or that they don’t love their sons. It’s because they feel that they know best. That their adult sons should not think for themselves. It’s like your toddler is crying for candy but you in all your wisdom won’t let him have it because it’s bad for him. You will offer him a carrot stick instead. Because you are the parent and you know best.

ndian society is in transition from being tightly clan-based to one that is more individualistic and many young people are caught in the middle. In a clan-based society, every member is expected to play a role and the performance of the role is supposed to guarantee the greater good of the clan and hopefully for the individual, though the individual is of less importance. It’s not as simple as a ‘yes or no’ answer to ‘don’t Indian parents want their kids to be happy? These parents believe that their kids will be happy if they stick to the traditional norms because that’s what they (the parents) did and they were happy. And by sticking to the traditional plan, not only will the child (eventually) be happy or at least resigned enough not to complain, but the family and society will be too. So win-win in their minds, if only the child would stop being difficult.

The problem is that young people don’t fit into this clan-based model so well anymore. I believe this transition into greater individualism is inevitable but right now, you’re going to see a lot of these sandwiched people. I personally don’t believe someone who has tasted a loving and genuine relationship with someone of their choice will be fulfilled in an artificially-created one. Though there have been cases where guys have given up the girlfriends of their choosing for an arranged marriage and been happy. The thing is that the traditional Indian marriage set-up offers a lot of perks for guys – being waited on hand and foot by the wife for example – which kind of smooths the path, and of course the idea is that the cultural similarities make adjustments easier. Nowadays it’s possible for guys to find a beautiful wife, who is somewhat modern, holds a good job etc. and still in the end, defers to the husband and runs the home singlehandedly. Makes heartbreak easier to swallow. Though it doesn’t work for all.

I think women face more pressure and have way fewer choices than do men; but many women still stand up for themselves and fight for their choices.

I know very few men who have stood up to their parents or braved social censure.

I know a lot of women who have, so I’m inclined to think that Indian men find it more difficult to swim against the tide of social and parental disapproval.

I do believe, based solely on personal experiences, that women are better at coping with adversity and ambiguity than are men.

I have encountered more courage and conviction in women than I have in men, especially when it comes to family/relationships.