BY R. SHUKLA
INTRODUCTION AND WHY I AM DOING THIS EXPERIMENT
Purpose: I am really curious about the Indian male mentality and how egalitarian it has actually become, especially with educated* (supposedly "enlightened") men who have access to the Internet. The purpose of this experiment is to figure out if guys really want what they say they want. In the 21st century, most women are independent and working and have confidence in themselves. Many men, even Indian/NRI men say they want an independent and equal partner, but do they really? Let's see how many men actually want an equal.....and how many are just paying lip service. In Payal's profile, we see she has no other interests besides wanting to be a stay at home wife. Basically, she wants to live for her man. She doesn't seem interested in intellectual pursuits like politics and current events. She is sexy, but not sexual (not even kissed a boy!) She is pure and still a virgin. Actually most of Payal's profile information comes from this blog where there is a poem like this:
" Karyeshu Dasi, Karaneshu Manthri,
Bhojeshu Mata, Shayaneshu Rambha,
Roopeshu Lakshmi, Kshamayeshu Dharitri,
Satkarma Nari, Kuladharma Patni "
Line for line, it means :
"Works hard (as a slave) , Gives smart advice (like a minister),
Feeds and cares (like a mother) , Is a sex-goddess in bed (like the apsara Rambha) ,
Is beautiful (like goddess lakshmi), Is forgiving (like mother earth),
These are the ideal qualities (and duties) of a wife "
Comments from the OP
"So, to be an ideal indian wife, all i have to do, is be a mom in the kitchen, a slut in the bedroom, a maid in the living room, all while looking like a bombshell, and not to mention, forgive any of his 'little' slipups, like ohhh, I don't know...forgetting our anniversary !!! or leaving his underwear on the bathroom floor !!! (which he really has done today...yikesss), ok....thanks, got it, check...Now that I know all this, what's stopping me from being an ideal wife.....ohh, I know, my BRAIN !!! I mean , come on here, I don't know whether to be mad or amused, it's ridiculous to the point of hilarity ."
"Also, please note that there is no such verse for the ideal husband, because logically, the guy could be any schmuck out there, but since he's married to the ideal wife, he isn't required to be any more than a schmuck."
I fully agree with the author of the original blog post that I got the poem from. It is so ridiculous it is hilarious. No woman- no HUMAN would be like this. Essentially, she doesn't have a personality. She is a living blow up doll. Her lifelong dream is to get married. You would think that men would know there are no women like this, because *newsflash* women are breathing, living creatures with ideas, personalities and thoughts of their own. Yet it is sad that men think women like this exist, and moreover, they prefer a woman like this.
- I'll include an obligatory profile picture: (not of me obviously)
- HYPOTHESIS: I'd like to think that most people would be able to say that this is a fake post, but sadly most people will think that a person like this actually exists in our patriarchal society.
*Drumroll* Ladies and Gentlement, meet.........
- I am a model. Grew up in the US, loves fashion and beauty. Independent and modern but simple homely indian girl on inside. I also believe in husband as head of household (or pati parmeshvar hai) and I am pro-men, anti-feminist. I am a party girl now but willing to quit, and also quit eating non veg and drinking. I am a virgin, never even kissed a boy so I am innocent. Also I am religious and do fastings. Prefer to stay at in law's home and be housewife after marriage.I know how to cook well. Looking for indian gentlemen who knows how to treat a lady and is also dominant and strong enough to be the leader in relationship and so I have respect for him. Need to have "aankhon ki sharam" for him. I will work hard to be a good wife and will keep looking beautiful. I will treat you as a treasure. I will also support and advise you in troubles and am very patient and forgiving. Looks/Height/Caste no bar...tell me why you think you are good for me.
I have 596 invitations (currently) and over 250,000 potential matches. It is safe to say I am in demand. Most of them were easy to decline because they sent an automated response. I only wanted the ones that bothered to send a personal message, but only a few sent a personal message Also I got 9 requests for phone numbers and 2 given to me. When I was on there, about 30 people messaged me on chat. In some profiles, the parents said they were interested in me for their son, I found it funny that the son couldn't do it himself. You would think that only people in India would think like this, but there were some NRI's who still did this. Actually, most of the guys who were in India made their profiles by themselves while more NRI's did the parent/relative/brother thing.
Maybe the reason is that NRI guys are not really looking for marriage in their 20's, while in India since it is a sexually repressed society, these guys jump on the marriage train as soon as they come of age, whether they are mature for it or not, because marriage is the only way for socially approved sex. Also, the Bollywood movies play a huge part in what the Indian guys think *romance* is like and what women want.
Another interesting thing was that even though I said Looks/Caste/Height no bar, I was very specific about religion. Still, I got invitations from Christian, Jain, Sikh and other nationalities also. Maybe they thought that I would gladly agree to convert.
Now let's get to the good part:
(My comments are in regular font and theirs are bolded and italicized.)
Hello, We have liked your profile and believe it to be good Match. If you like our son's profile, kindly accept this Invitation. We can then pursue this further on ph: Phone Number Visible on Accept or through email:Email Id Visible on Accept Warm Regards,_______
One family made it a bonding activity...
Hi, I and my son have liked your profile and believe it to be good Match.
Here are the personal email responses (out of the 596 currently):
One man in his profile just cut to the basics and stated his salary, it really justified my hypothesis that marriage in India is a "business transaction" and that is what guys think girls want (exchange beauty/domesticity for wealth).
Hi, I am__________ from ahmedabad.I am in accounting field earning 12000.00/per month & have rental income of 7000.00 to 8000.00.we have two members in my family. My mother & me.My father passed away & i have a one sister who is married.I have a simple attitude no bad habits like drinking & smoking. I am big fan of shahrukh khan & love to wear different types of aviators. i likes cricket & music. I trying to find a loyal & honest life partner. Friendship is important in longlife relationship, so my better half will be my best friend whom in can interact easily as well as share my thoughts without hasitating.
One guy complimented me on my "Indian Values" and said finding a girl like me was rare...I don't see how that's a good thing.
Hi, My name is A I I really liked your profile. I love how you have retained your values so well, which is rare to find even in girls from India. I am also a understanding, caring and supportive person. I also love my indian culture and respect my heritage. I do not have any extraordinary expectations from my ideal partner. I like simplicity. I may not be a model, but I am very honest and will give it my all to keep my partner happy. Well if you are interested in my profile then we can chat further. A.
Hi Payal. Enjoyed reading what you wrote. More than a beautiful face I see beautiful thoughts. Would like to get to know you better. Hope to hear back from you. R.(USA)
Hi, i liked your profile description. You look like my dream wife. (So pretty much sums up what Indian guys in India at least, want in a wife). I am good for you because i can promise you that you close your eyes and start your journey of life with me and you will never ever open your eyes .you will live in your dreams. N
This guy actually took the time to read the profile...
you really think you can live in india? your profile kinda sparked my curiosity so to speak.hope to hear from you
This guy really fell in love with the provider/dominant man fantasy...The last sentence is just LOL.
Coz -i will be the provider for the family -Honest guy like an open book.there is no other side in me -Going to take care of you -Started to work out recently.so may take some time :)
One guy unabashedly put a picture of him with a doctor's coat and stethoscope. He might as well have said he's looking for gold diggers.
Now this next guy was weird. First sentence was that he is an engineer. Didn't mention anything about himself but gave his whole family tree....I guess he wanted to prove that he was not "backwards" because he had connections in Pardes?
hi miss, i am an engineer in india and my brother lives in new york and is married and works for national brock lab of new york as an engineer and my sister is a nurse and lives in new york as well and is married and rest of family lives in calgary canada. one of my sister lives in calgary and owns her house and is unmarried and other one is married and lives in edmonton and my mama g (LOL Mama G) is a very reputed property consultant and lives in calgary.
One guy just jumped into asking what my fav movie was..
hi, how are you?I'm A.So what's your favorite movie?
This guy understood that friendship comes before romance...
My name is R frm India. I like your profile , First , I would like to friendship (the cliche fraandship LOL) with you
Why would you not read someone's profile? It's there for a reason.
You seem like a nice person , I would love to get to know you . I like to figure people out gradually rather than reading profiles and see where it goes.let me know if you really want to go ahead.
Cheese......so much cheese (This guy is in the US but you can tell he's from India because no guy raised here talks like this...)
Hi, How you doing ? I saw your profile and thought of saying Hi. hoping the Hi will lead to a wonderful conversation :) If you feel the same, Lets Connect.!
This was kind of nice...(again, from US but you can tell the difference he's been raised here, compared to the previous guy.It's more likely the previous guy came here for a working or study visa.
Hey! You sound like an awesome person. I'd love the opportunity to get to know you :)
This one was like, "Yeah, so I just want to tell you *casually* that I'm in med school..nothing about interests or anything else". It says a lot about what Indian guys (even NRI guys--you would assume this guy is more egalitarian) think potential Indian girls are interested in.
Hi How are you? So my name is ______said like an american haha. I was born in London but my family moved to the US when I was 11. I am about to finish med school in Philadelphia and might be moving for a emergency med residency. Let me know if you wanted to connect :) If not good luck!
hey, first I want to know whr u wanna stay after marriage ?India or USA? I am looking for understanding, loving, who respects my parents and treats them as her own parents after marriage and stands by me in every situation of life. we belong to middle class family but having bright future so economically no need to worry in my home. and I like whatever u wrote frankly in Ur profile and I m impressed by it. if u reject my profile then also no issue , but at least I request u to tell me the reason. thanks ______(The only thing I have to say about this is see IHM's post on this: ---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Only a few got the idea...(or knew that a girl like this cannot exist).
this is a joke. right? I don't know anyone who would say 'pro-men' lol you're nuts if you really are looking for what you say you are
Haha.is this a joke ;)
Hey!! Your profile looks so unreal haha Seems too true man Haha but none the less we can talk and see where it goes?
And this guy was really sweet..but maybe it was part of his plan since he knew other guys wouldn't act like this and he wanted to be the special snowflake who actually *cared*. Didn't even want to connect, just wanted to give me advice so that counts for something. But maybe on the other hand he thinks he can spark a conversation.
Why is your profile like this. You're intelligent and smart. (How is Payal smart and intelligent if she only finished high school? Something is fishy.) Forget about all that. Don't give up on your dreams to become the housewife types for the purpose of appealing to the society or the home. Be yourself and love what you do and find someone who can respect you for that.
- The conclusions of this study are that although India touts gender equality through its "Westernized" movies and media in an effort to become more modern, the majority of men in India only do lip service to this idea. In fact, most educated men (educated meaning speaking good English and having access to a computer) want and appreciate a woman like Payal, who is molded on the regressive gender ideals of centuries past. The implications of this study are that there is still a lot of work to be done in terms of gender equality. Considering that arranged marriages are the single most popular way young Indians get married, it is important that gender equality progresses in the Indian marriage market. Also, we need to get Indian men to WANT to have equal wives and not be so impressionable by mostly misogynistic Indian movies that now feature the paradox of women being modern and stylish on the outside but still having "traditional" values. Or, the fact that she should be "cool" and not homely on the outside, but have homely values on the inside.
- I also did an experiment with a darker woman named "Laila Rohan" who was the antithesis of Payal- a feminist who wanted an equal partner and said up front that she would not be the more passive partner. Surprisingly, Laila also had suitors, although not as many as Payal. I think that all woman, as long as they have a vagina, will get suitors on this website. I found that Laila's suitors were also more attractive, although that is just my subjective opinion. This might be because the parents of those suitors found each other physically attractive and were in more of a love marriage, while people who were less attractive were found partners through the rigid arranged marriage, which is more orthodox. So the children of the orthodox parents grew up wanting a woman like Payal whereas the more liberal (attractive) children find Laila more attractive. At least that is my theory. What I found interesting was that a lot of parents were interested in Laila for their son, while more "self" created profiles were interested in Payal. This was interesting to me as you would think a potential Indian MIL would want a submissive DIL. But maybe secretly they wanted a strong and capable partner for their son. Any thoughts to why this is?
- I was saddened by these results, I guess I used to think that only people of older generations like my parents and grandparents thought this way but it is scary to see that the current generation is like this too. I will post a more "polished" analysis as I think of it. But what are YOUR thoughts on this?