General Conduct/Self Confidence Tips for Women

• Don't talk about deep personal issues 
• Keep it playful / lighthearted 
• "Tread lightly"
• Serious when serious, able to explain and be an intellectual when that time comes
• Have that certain spark or fire inside you you
• Learn how to handle awkward situations/not be awkward (don't try too hard, just be at ease with yourself, don't be so blunt, have emotion and expressiveness in what you say, common courtesy)
• Don't need to open yourself up so freely with other people at first even if you have a connection

• Do your best
• Try to understand everything as much as possible
• Don't take yourself too seriously
• Self assured
• Put yourself out there (Dance, etc)
• Express yourself
• Laugh at yourself
• Be grateful, positive, optimistic
• Be happy inside, don't depend on anyone else for it
• Life's too short to make excuses

Why Being Childfree Should Be An Option For Any Woman

Women who decide to be childfree get a bad rap in Indian culture. I think having kids and not having kids are equal, and one should not be derided over the other. Your personal choice depends on what kind of person you are and what your values are.

However, there are people who think that children is mandatory for keeping the Indian family intact. And I'm not saying that people who choose not to have kids absolutely hate kids- most like kids and are very nurturing people, they just don't think they could do it full time. That's like saying that just because you like football casually you should become a football player.

I think that's a very selfless view to have rather than just bringing a child into the world because you want it and not thinking of whether you can handle the responsibilities to give it a good upbringing. This is the opposite of selfish, which is what some people believe about women not having children.

Additionally, there are even more obstacles for Indian women should they choose to have kids (tradition, meddling society, expectations of how they should be as a mother/conduct their family). Some women don't have consent over their body or family planning after marriage because they are seen as the property of their husband's family.

You have to realize that love isn't based on blood. You can adopt a child or love a child that isn't your own blood like it's your own, just like you can abuse your child even if it's your own. Your DNA has nothing to do with your love - your child could grow up to be a completely different person than you whereas someone that's not related might be more similar. An extreme example is a child that grows up to be a serial killer.

Anyways, these are just my $.02 on why being childfree should be an option for any woman. You should not look at children like assets, you should raise a child because you want to give it love. Even better if you adopt a child from a broken home that would not have had that life if you had not taken care of it.

Indian culture cannot come at the detriment of an individual's freedom and happiness.

My Ideal Relationship

My ideal relationship would have to be based on Khalil Gibran's poem On Marriage. 

On Marriage
 Kahlil Gibran

You were born together, and together you shall be forevermore.
You shall be together when the white wings of death scatter your days.
Ay, you shall be together even in the silent memory of God.
But let there be spaces in your togetherness,
And let the winds of the heavens dance between you. 


Love one another, but make not a bond of love:
Let it rather be a moving sea between the shores of your souls.
Fill each other's cup but drink not from one cup.
Give one another of your bread but eat not from the same loaf
Sing and dance together and be joyous, but let each one of you be alone,
Even as the strings of a lute are alone though they quiver with the same music. 


Give your hearts, but not into each other's keeping.
For only the hand of Life can contain your hearts.
And stand together yet not too near together:
For the pillars of the temple stand apart,
And the oak tree and the cypress grow not in each other's shadow.

My ideal relationship is one where we are focused on our own goals but together. 

Where we love each other a lot and are best friends but we have an emotionally independent relationship (not codependent). 

Where we support one another and treat each other as equals

A relationship based on love and freedom not control and possessiveness
A relationship where we are not stuck at the hip and become "One Thing"

Where we both have the same goals and strive to achieve them: see quote below

To Have or Not to Have Kids?

In Indian culture, getting married and having kids is a no-brainer. However, it shouldn't be a responsibility to have a child. But before you make any decision, you should think about whether it's right for you. Here are some pros and cons to having or not having children. We will also explore if there is a middle ground.
Obviously since at the moment I have decided to be childfree, I have a lot more pros to that but you can add pros to having children if you can think of any.

Being Childfree

• Can be independent, yet still family oriented (on your own terms because you are not tied down with a responsibility per se). You can still be a nurturing person and help the world in other ways. 
• If you have kids, you can still be independent, but obviously not have the same level of independence as someone without kids

• You can have time to enhance your own mind and body. 
• If you are sure about your choice, you can have no regrets at the end of your life. 
• You can be free from attachment and happy at the end. 
• If you are religious, you can devote your time to God. 

• You are emotionally stronger if you are not dependent on your family (like so many Indian women are) and have your own sense of identity. 
• Whatever you achieve will truly be on your own
• You can still have family values and be family oriented, but you are likelier to be less attached to kids. You can be "connected but free". 
• You can have more "me" time and more fun in your life. 
• Can advance your career, travel. 

• You will have a sense of self that is dependent on who you are, not your value as a mother. 
• You can have a higher purpose, such as giving time to children from broken families or having more money to donate. You can have an impact on more than one person's life. 
• Your life can be quiet, relaxing and peaceful. 
• You can focus on your own goals (be self actualized). 
• You can have equal respect and freedom from your spouse, whereas in Indian traditional marriages, after having kids, it's expected that you do more as the lady of the house (maintain traditional gender roles). 
• Less chance of being co-dependent with your children
• In actuality, you don't need to have your children be from your own blood. There are adopted children who are loved so much, as well as blood fathers and mothers abandoning their child. Love isn't based on blood.

• There is already overpopulation and not having a child can do more for the environment than any campaign can. 
• Having small daily drama in family (Johnny didn't get ready for lunch on time, Johnny late for soccer practice, arguments between parents and children) --miss the big picture on the fact that this is not what life's about? Also called everyday drudgery. 
• However, people will judge you/mock you. A lot of pressure to have kids. 

Having Children

• You can be "settled down". 
• "Safety" and someone to take care of you in old age (although not a guarantee they will). 
• You can live a domestic life. 
• Survival of lineage/caste system
• You can be the perfect happy family and "nest". 
• Making your own comfort zone and bubble
• Security (although life can change at any moment and that security is illusory)
• Safety in numbers
• Life passes by more easily with kids
• Following the status quo and relating with others
• There is less "fun" but more "contentment" and "satisfaction" - can this also be achieved by meditation if you don't have kids
• Warm fuzzy feeling of having your own people that care about you - can this also be achieved by childfree people? 
• Can pass on your heritage/culture/sanskaar/tradition/legacy to your own blood
• You have an identity connected to your relationships
• Deep attachment (good or bad thing?)
• Kodak/Hallmark moments such as graduation, wedding, etc
• Having a support circle (but you can still have that if you don't have children)
• Comparison with other families and what their kids are doing

Middle Ground

• Although very hard, you can have a life outside of kids if you do choose to have them but it involves having a supporting spouse who actually pitches in. 
• You can make the children independent from a very young age and not have them be codependent on you. 
• You can try to put yourself first and still have your own hobbies and identity outside of kids. 

Tips for Self Confidence

Before I start, I want to say that I posted this because I had an issue with this with my sister. I was emotional and wearing my heart on my sleeve and she just laughed at me. I realized that you need to be more cool, calm and collected in life. You can't display your true opinions always or show how you're really feeling to everyone. You need to be smart and decide which people need to know what. You can't be the same with everyone.

The vegetarian example is personal because I had someone I just met ask me why I was vegetarian and I have a habit of telling the absolute truth so I said my religion after which she was like "That's weird" which of course broke my heart being the sensitive person that I am but I could tell she picked me because I seemed introverted and because of that, I couldn't get my confidence up for the rest of the night. I need to know how to brush those people off and not take their opinions so seriously.

• Don't always think about whether people like you or not when you're having a conversation with them. You're giving them the power of approval over you. Don't always need to answer everything.
• If someone is yelling at you, stay calm and respond quietly and politely. It will make you look level-headed and the other person more unhinged.
• It's ok to walk out of a conversation if you feel you're being attacked and then come back only when they treat you with respect.
• Just because someone asks you something doesn't mean you need to tell them the truth or tell them everything. Be selective and deliberate in what you say based on who they are.
• You don't always need to scramble to find an answer good enough for them.
• Don't apologize for who you are.
• Just because someone tells you to do something doesn't mean you need to do it.
• You are open to suggestions but you make the decision yourself.
• Just because you say something doesn't mean you need to justify yourself or elaborate to others why you did what you did/why you believe in something.
• It's not your job to reassure everyone or be everyone's everything.
• Don't immediately open your mouth. Judge the situation, analyze and observe the people and customize what you say according to that (personal vs professional situation). Gear it towards the person you want to impress or get something from (boss, etc). Know that what you say impacts your reputation.

*Don't need to say too much and chatter on and on. But what you do decide to say should be important.

• You don't need to apologize or be bashful/sheepish for your opinions and choices. Learn how to take compliments confidently. For example, someone said I had a good picture and my response was that I had photo shopped it. I thought I was being humble but I wasn't. There's a difference in being humble and having low self esteem.
• You don't immediately need to have an answer for others the minute they question you. Take a moment of silence to formulate it. Don't "jump" to impress them.
• Don't immediately react to others/get defensive. Don't be sensitive/reactive/easy to provoke. If someone says something negative on purpose about your strongly held opinion, they are testing you to see how you react.
• Know that you don't need to react to everything someone says. Sometimes people are just immature and are trying to provoke you/be annoying on purpose. Everything doesn't deserve a response. Have self-control over your anger/emotions. Pick your battles.
• Example of assertiveness: If someone speaks over you, wait until they are done and then say "As I was saying.." You will look humble because you let them speak and assertive also.
• Establish boundaries: If someone tries to make fun of you after meeting you, they are trying to see what your limit is and what they can get away with. Nip that shit in the bud. Stop the conversation immediately, make eye contact and say that you will not be treated that way. I had someone make fun of my height seconds after we met and it was clear they thought I was someone who wouldn't say anything and they were right.
• Don't be intimidated by someone's confidence. Sometimes people act more confident than they are to feel secure.If someone is saying something to you, it is ok to walk out and come back only when they are polite. I was working in a group once and felt like I had to tolerate this behavior because we were a group. I don't have to tolerate that.
• Don't always need to show people how affected/upset you are/the way you're feeling to people you don't trust or to people who are bullying you. Control your expressions. It makes them have power if you show them how much they affect you.
• If someone says something negative to you, think about whether it was appropriate for THEM to say it or not. Ex: Question: Why are you vegetarian? Response: That's kind of rude, don't you think? We've only met and you're asking me about my personal ideologies. INSTEAD OF Response: Shrugging shoulders, lowering head and saying "It's just the way I am". You can judge them back also. Think about whether they have the right to ask you that or if they are getting too personal/offensive. You can question them back. Don't have an inferiority complex and start to answer their question.
• You can be passive aggressive and not say everything directly and truthfully. Use humor to be composed. Ex: Why are you after me because I'm vegetarian? Say this instead: Wow, you're really obsessed with me being vegetarian, aren't you? Say it with a smirk and confidence.
• Don't always be overenthusiastic and ready to bend backwards to help others. For example, if someone is coming over to visit you, don't jump to show them the sights and attractions and take them out to eat. In short, don't be invested in it too much.
  Be cool- it's alright they're coming over, it's not the best thing ever. Don't stretch yourself.
• Be collected, calm, in control, confident and deliberate in what you do. Always be in control of yourself--no emotional outbursts etc. Don't be overemotional and understand that people's reactions towards you say more about them than you.
• You don't need to tell your life story to everyone you meet because it makes them uncomfortable. Don't need to voice your every opinion and thought. Have a funny tidbit to share that shows who you are but not too much. Don't need to share too much.
• Don't be too available to others or push yourself on others too much. Hold back and be reserved. Don't be full on/overpowering/clingy/overbearing.
• Don't lay yourself/underestimate/criticize yourself in front of everyone when you meet, meaning you're nothing and the other person is something. No, you're something too. Have some pride.
• Don't have too many expectations. For example if you meet someone who you connect with, don't immediately think that you're best friends or something. Don't immediately get too attached. Find your happiness in yourself and be grounded in yourself. Have your own life, hobbies, friends.
• Have self-respect/don't grovel. If you know you are a second option to somebody, you don't need to go crawling towards them.
• You can listen and nod your head to what somebody says but then go and do your own thing anyways.
• Realize that sometimes you're going to have to pretend. For example, if Shelia said something hurtful to you, and then you are meeting Shelia at a professional party, you're going to have to pretend like nothing happened. You can't bring your personal stuff in and not talk to Shelia or ask her directly why she was mean to you and expect her to give you an honest answer. Not everything in life is that simple/uncomplicated. Because Shelia will probably laugh in your face for being too naive and then you will cry because you are too sensitive because not everyone is literal like you.
• Don't be too sensitive to other's opinions/approval. Don't give them that power.
• You can't make someone like you.
• Don't believe everything you hear/be an ingenue.
• Don't need to voice your every thought or show someone who you are and what you believe in right away. Do it bit by bit depending on what you want them to know about you.
• Don't immediately think that the other person is right and apologize first. Especially if the other person is in a position of power.
• Don't make enemies but don't take shit either. Be kind but assertive towards everyone. This will be easier if you are secure in yourself.
• Respond to people smartly. Speak up/call people on their bullshit when you don't like something/feel as if you are being attacked. You're not being entitled. Don't censor your opinions to please everyone because nobody will respect you that way. Have some solid opinions that show who you are. Sure, everyone will like you because you don't take up space/bend to them but no one will respect you. They won't see you as anyone important/worth competing for.
• Don't have to tell people the details. For example: Why are you graduating late? Say something vague like: It just took me longer to find my path than saying that you didn't like your major and you failed out. Don't say anything negative about you.
• Everyone loves you until you become competition.
• Cool, calm, collected, in control, composed, polished.