Truths I have found compiled from different blogs and websites....(Last Part 4)
Even today marriages are considered a burden, a job which is to be finished as soon as possible.
Parents feel that their obedient child is happy with whatever they have chosen. But when it comes to understanding the psychology, they step back and expect the child to compromise. Again I want to point out, this is especially with females. They are made to compromise everywhere. They are made to be the subordinate to their brothers before marriage and to husbands after marriage. Where are their own dreams? Why are they shattered before they even think of working on it. Girls do dream about their future partners and this is very natural. But very few could make their dream come true. All because of long flourishing tradition of arrange marriages.
Wellll great article …a traditional marriage in India …has all the elements to re establish the inferiority of the women… leave the “dowry” which is social..all the rituals in the ceremony itself…are all oppressive and insulting to women..Kanyadaan means..the women is a “possession” which is passed on from one man(father) to another man(husband)…Somebody mentioned vermilion here…It NOT a sign of what you think..It is sign that a girl is taken( Lost virginity as first sex has blood (conventional) and the vermilion is RED)
“Let a man be careful to honour his wife, for he owes to her alone all the blessings of his house.” -Talmud.
And finally Meera walked into the living room. Dressed in a simple salwaar kameez she came and served tea to the guests. She sat down grimly beside her parents while the boy’s family continued to stare at her. At last, Meera’s mom decided to break the silence and as she started speaking about her daughter it felt as though she was giving the job profile of her maid. “Oh she can cook anything. Indian, Lebanese, Chinese. She is good at household work too. She is…”
“She is an economics graduate with a post graduation in Business Administration. She is an author of several research papers and has been teaching at the University level for two years.”- finished Meera as she left the room disgusted.
Welcome to 21st Century India. We women are progressing after all. I mean look at us, we have six seats ‘reserved’ for us in public buses. We are leading political parties, multinational corporations; we dance around in movies wearing skimpy clothes without any objection from the Censor Board whatsoever. Ten years into a new era, a woman is no less than a man; she is gritty and brimming with self confidence. She carries herself with élan and smartly conceals that black patch underneath her eye which was a gift from her husband as dinner was not ready when he had come back from work, the night before.
There are thousands of other Meeras who are married off every day to someone they barely know because, ‘their parents know it best’. More often than not, these marriages fail miserably because the very premise of Indian marriages is based on a gender prejudice. Think about it. Why do women alone have to leave their parents house and settle down with her in laws irrespective of whether they respect her or not? We call it tradition but we never mean it. The younger generation although more aware, still feels that- “Only westernized families have the luxury of falling in love.” So then is that it, Is it okay to compromise our own happiness for some obtrusive convention we fondly call, - “TRADITION?”
“May you be the mother of hundred sons.”
For an Indian woman, her greatest accomplishment is motherhood. Everything prior to marriage is preparation. Everything after motherhood is reward for fulfilling her destined role. In Semitic religions, children are considered to be the “Gift of God”which leaves little scope for family planning. As far as a Hindu woman is concerned, it is tacitly understood that she must bear sons. Because, with the birth of a son the continuity and safe keeping of the father’s soul is assured. It is almost implied that bringing up a daughter would be a sheer waste since she is destined to cater to someone else’s family. No matter how much we debate, even in the present times the birth of a son calls for special celebration. And after thirty years, when the same son disposes his parents off to some old age home, his folks continue to believe that it was for their best. One can’t help being taken aback by such an astounding faith in a child whose immediate concern is anything but them.
Stupid Articles
http://www.quora.com/How-does-one-make-sure-that-the-bride-he-is-marrying-in-an-arranged-marriage-has-a-flat-stomach
http://www.youthkiawaaz.com/2014/05/better-side-arranged-marriages-will-one/
Showing posts with label log kya kahenge. Show all posts
Showing posts with label log kya kahenge. Show all posts
Monday, February 2, 2015
0
Arranged Marriage Truths Compilation Part 3
Truths I have found compiled from different blogs and websites....(Part 3)
If you think your parents know you better than your ownself, then its time you start growing up and figuring out what you really are… Its most important to connect to yourself before anyone else and NO, your parents can’t do that for you, mama’s boy… Its good to take your parents’opinion but its pathetic to consider their opinion as the bottom line… Final decision lies with the couple, not the families… They have to live together, families come together barely 3 times a year for festivities… (once in a while as written by you).. And if you need rituals to get to know each other, pray tell us have you gotten married to every friend you ever made in life to get to know him or her better, with something like 20 ceremonies???? And especially bride’s father spending, eh??? why plz??? Is the couple so useless that they cant sponsor their own wedding??? then maybe you should consider getting financially strong before jumping into marriage (n before u jump to stupid conclusions, i mean both should get financially independent, not just the guy).. Grow up, dude…
Marriage is beautiful and love is wonderful. But why cannot we let them both be natural, selective and free from obligations? Falling in love because you have to get married to a certain person out of filial duties and societal set up is anyways obligatory and not anyone’s first choice. It is a compromise.
http://www.youthkiawaaz.com/2011/07/are-marriages-really-worth-the-drama-the-bias-and-the-money/
I am firmly against arranged marriages since they devalue the individual. I believe that children who are being forced into arranged marriages should abandon their parents and break free from their tribal mindset.
I agree one hundred percent. ..the freedom of living life on your terms very important
Well is answer to the name of your article is yes marriage is a bond of compromise for the bride. I think it is all in our mind. We are independent and no one has any right to infringe our independence. The solution which i suggest is that first the groom needs to support her. He should be the one to stand against the family and support her to live the dreams which she have woven. If he is with her, then no one else matters.
The answer to all your questions lies in this one word-“choice”. Take for example- Many men and women wonder what’s the harm in changing the surname after marriage or how is it suppossed to oppress women? The mere fact that a women have no choice is oppressive. Women who work hard and build their identities with maiden name have to rebuild it many senses when they are compelled to change her name. If given a choice, there will be women who’d take their lovers/husbands surname and there would be many who’d like to keep their maiden surname. Simple. Taking your husband’s surname or not in no way shows how much you love your partner. Also the concept of stay at home dad’s is looked down upon in our society. Men who helped women in daily chores were traditionally labelled Joru ka ghulam.
However this is changing. I have examples at my home. My Brother just married off her girlfriend of four years. They have moved out of my dad’s home to build their own home and they are equal partners. My sister-in-law decided to keep her maiden surname and nobody in my family opposed. My brother loves to make his wife breakfast and do some cleaning on a daily basis.
Once we break out of social stereotypes and so called traditions which are nothing but sham, marriage and such institutions would not be a bond for compromise but a bond for love!
Like it is said, “A new life awaits her”. She is expected to adjust to her in-laws’ mindset and catering to their every need. If a girl does not know how to cook or clean, it is told that her parents didn’t teach her anything. It is she who has to start life from the bottom. This is what is called “The bonding in marriage”.
All a man does is to bring his wife from her house to his own. Nowhere is he affected by the problem that he will have to leave his house and go or he will have to leave his family, friends and all the old relations behind to make new ones. He has the mentality that he has to just bring his wife home. After that she’ll be the one to look after his house and family. Never has it been thought what a woman must be going through while passing through this phase of renovating her life. The question still remains. Why does only a woman leave her everything for the man after marriage? Why not the other way round?
If you think your parents know you better than your ownself, then its time you start growing up and figuring out what you really are… Its most important to connect to yourself before anyone else and NO, your parents can’t do that for you, mama’s boy… Its good to take your parents’opinion but its pathetic to consider their opinion as the bottom line… Final decision lies with the couple, not the families… They have to live together, families come together barely 3 times a year for festivities… (once in a while as written by you).. And if you need rituals to get to know each other, pray tell us have you gotten married to every friend you ever made in life to get to know him or her better, with something like 20 ceremonies???? And especially bride’s father spending, eh??? why plz??? Is the couple so useless that they cant sponsor their own wedding??? then maybe you should consider getting financially strong before jumping into marriage (n before u jump to stupid conclusions, i mean both should get financially independent, not just the guy).. Grow up, dude…
Marriage is beautiful and love is wonderful. But why cannot we let them both be natural, selective and free from obligations? Falling in love because you have to get married to a certain person out of filial duties and societal set up is anyways obligatory and not anyone’s first choice. It is a compromise.
http://www.youthkiawaaz.com/2011/07/are-marriages-really-worth-the-drama-the-bias-and-the-money/
I am firmly against arranged marriages since they devalue the individual. I believe that children who are being forced into arranged marriages should abandon their parents and break free from their tribal mindset.
I agree one hundred percent. ..the freedom of living life on your terms very important
Well is answer to the name of your article is yes marriage is a bond of compromise for the bride. I think it is all in our mind. We are independent and no one has any right to infringe our independence. The solution which i suggest is that first the groom needs to support her. He should be the one to stand against the family and support her to live the dreams which she have woven. If he is with her, then no one else matters.
The answer to all your questions lies in this one word-“choice”. Take for example- Many men and women wonder what’s the harm in changing the surname after marriage or how is it suppossed to oppress women? The mere fact that a women have no choice is oppressive. Women who work hard and build their identities with maiden name have to rebuild it many senses when they are compelled to change her name. If given a choice, there will be women who’d take their lovers/husbands surname and there would be many who’d like to keep their maiden surname. Simple. Taking your husband’s surname or not in no way shows how much you love your partner. Also the concept of stay at home dad’s is looked down upon in our society. Men who helped women in daily chores were traditionally labelled Joru ka ghulam.
However this is changing. I have examples at my home. My Brother just married off her girlfriend of four years. They have moved out of my dad’s home to build their own home and they are equal partners. My sister-in-law decided to keep her maiden surname and nobody in my family opposed. My brother loves to make his wife breakfast and do some cleaning on a daily basis.
Once we break out of social stereotypes and so called traditions which are nothing but sham, marriage and such institutions would not be a bond for compromise but a bond for love!
Like it is said, “A new life awaits her”. She is expected to adjust to her in-laws’ mindset and catering to their every need. If a girl does not know how to cook or clean, it is told that her parents didn’t teach her anything. It is she who has to start life from the bottom. This is what is called “The bonding in marriage”.
All a man does is to bring his wife from her house to his own. Nowhere is he affected by the problem that he will have to leave his house and go or he will have to leave his family, friends and all the old relations behind to make new ones. He has the mentality that he has to just bring his wife home. After that she’ll be the one to look after his house and family. Never has it been thought what a woman must be going through while passing through this phase of renovating her life. The question still remains. Why does only a woman leave her everything for the man after marriage? Why not the other way round?
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Arranged Marriage Truths Compilation Part 2
Truths I have found compiled from different blogs and websites....(Part 2)
Since childhood, a substantial part of a woman’s socialization is woven around her body. Whether it is her apparel or her posture, she is persistently reminded by her parents, the school and college authority the need to dress in a ‘decent’ manner, the imperative to conduct ‘appropriately’ and is given a list of proscriptions about how she should not sit or walk. An intimate scrutiny would reveal that the autonomy enjoyed by a woman is nominal as she has to be conscious 24×7 about the fashion in which she regulates her body. This preoccupation with the management and administration of a woman’s body insinuates that a woman’s honour and self-esteem rests in her body. Any scar in her body becomes a scar to her pride. Her body becomes synonymous to her womanhood. Hence, any blot to her self-respect can be injected through corporeal violation that would be an injury to her self-esteem too. This perception of purity of a woman’s body underscores the misogynistic attitude within a patriarchal framework that has been trailing the project of civilization.
Young India has a truck load of pretty good reasons to tie the knot. Mind you, they all are very rational and logical. You see, the young India strives for perfection. And what is perfection without a fair, homely convent-educated girl or a teetotaller boy from a decent family based in the USA/UK with a handsome package. What else does one need? The young India follows its timetable very sternly and marriage is of course a part of the timetable. Then come the kids and after that we all know how life goes on.
How does young India contribute to the society? By getting married, which is very important. It is almost a social obligation. And you have to get married, no choice bro! Doesn’t matter if you are ready or not, doesn’t matter if you know, let alone love the person, you have to get married. Because it is the right thing to do. And who told you that? Of course your mommy and papa and they know the best. And who told them? Of course their mommy and papa. Hence it goes on, without any one ever questioning the mommy and papa that why is it so important to get married. It is a tradition, a ritual which has been passed down generations and young India doesn’t dare to raise an eyebrow (well, at least the majority doesn’t). Because you see, we are Indians and we don’t argue back with our elders.
The “strange man” who scared my parents away in my teens is now their favourite. The prime parameters for finding the “good guy” are three – Pics (like Picasa and Photoshop left anyone not-so-presentable), career graph and family background. How is he as a person is so not the point of concern – so it is only obvious that he could be one of those chauvinistic men telling me to quit my job and have no friends!
Unfortunately, most Indian girls are taught to be less ambitious and more docile. An ambitious girl ain’t marriage material! I feel very sad when I see many girls of my age being so dreamy about marriage and all….sometimes I feel, don’t they feel the need to prove they are better than what society thinks?? How can they do the same thing willingly which their mothers did forcefully?
Marriage is supposed to represent the beginning of a beautiful journey, but our society has successfully turned it into a race, in which no girl wants to be left behind. The pressure to fulfill societal expectations often causes one to obsess over marriage, rather than allowing it to happen in its natural course of time.
Since childhood, a substantial part of a woman’s socialization is woven around her body. Whether it is her apparel or her posture, she is persistently reminded by her parents, the school and college authority the need to dress in a ‘decent’ manner, the imperative to conduct ‘appropriately’ and is given a list of proscriptions about how she should not sit or walk. An intimate scrutiny would reveal that the autonomy enjoyed by a woman is nominal as she has to be conscious 24×7 about the fashion in which she regulates her body. This preoccupation with the management and administration of a woman’s body insinuates that a woman’s honour and self-esteem rests in her body. Any scar in her body becomes a scar to her pride. Her body becomes synonymous to her womanhood. Hence, any blot to her self-respect can be injected through corporeal violation that would be an injury to her self-esteem too. This perception of purity of a woman’s body underscores the misogynistic attitude within a patriarchal framework that has been trailing the project of civilization.
Young India has a truck load of pretty good reasons to tie the knot. Mind you, they all are very rational and logical. You see, the young India strives for perfection. And what is perfection without a fair, homely convent-educated girl or a teetotaller boy from a decent family based in the USA/UK with a handsome package. What else does one need? The young India follows its timetable very sternly and marriage is of course a part of the timetable. Then come the kids and after that we all know how life goes on.
How does young India contribute to the society? By getting married, which is very important. It is almost a social obligation. And you have to get married, no choice bro! Doesn’t matter if you are ready or not, doesn’t matter if you know, let alone love the person, you have to get married. Because it is the right thing to do. And who told you that? Of course your mommy and papa and they know the best. And who told them? Of course their mommy and papa. Hence it goes on, without any one ever questioning the mommy and papa that why is it so important to get married. It is a tradition, a ritual which has been passed down generations and young India doesn’t dare to raise an eyebrow (well, at least the majority doesn’t). Because you see, we are Indians and we don’t argue back with our elders.
The “strange man” who scared my parents away in my teens is now their favourite. The prime parameters for finding the “good guy” are three – Pics (like Picasa and Photoshop left anyone not-so-presentable), career graph and family background. How is he as a person is so not the point of concern – so it is only obvious that he could be one of those chauvinistic men telling me to quit my job and have no friends!
Unfortunately, most Indian girls are taught to be less ambitious and more docile. An ambitious girl ain’t marriage material! I feel very sad when I see many girls of my age being so dreamy about marriage and all….sometimes I feel, don’t they feel the need to prove they are better than what society thinks?? How can they do the same thing willingly which their mothers did forcefully?
Marriage is supposed to represent the beginning of a beautiful journey, but our society has successfully turned it into a race, in which no girl wants to be left behind. The pressure to fulfill societal expectations often causes one to obsess over marriage, rather than allowing it to happen in its natural course of time.
0
Arranged Marriage Truths Compilation Part 1
Truths I have found compiled from different blogs and websites....(Part 1)
Basically I first of all don’t believe in marriage in itself. I mean what do you expect that signing a piece of paper doesn’t bring you closer to anyone!! Just putting that ‘mang Mein sindur’ n ‘gale Mein mangalsutra’ doesn’t make a permanent bonding with certain person. Staying under one roof doesn’t help you to fall in love!! Can this piece of paper, mangalsutra and one bed bring two souls any closer if they actually don’t want to??? Its all about your happiness!! If you are happy to stay with a total stranger and spend your life trying to be happy with him then you are most welcome. But if not then better walk out of it. You don’t need to get married for staying happy.
Even if you say that people do fall in love over a period of time in arranged marriages, I will counter you by saying that it happens because they have to. They have no other options but accept what happens. It is a kind of ‘forced love’. Love, whereas, must be natural. (But, our society has a long way to go to start believing in and regarding anything as such. We have to overcome many notions like, “marriage is essential for everyone”, “pre-marital sex is a sin”, “a girl is not the ‘possession of her biological parents” etc., to reach a phase where natural love is what leads to marriage).
I agree with all the critique against the unnecessary pomp and splendor of marriages, the madness around ensuring that people DO GET married, and the horrendous idea of arrange marriage.
They want a woman who is smart and educated but who will be willing to put all that away at the drop of a hat if they ask her to.
This is so true! Sometimes the hypocrisy of the so-called “modern families” kills me. On one hand they want their daughters to be educated. And on the other hand they don’t want them to be “too educated” as that would reduce her desirability in the marriage circuit. They want their daughters to be independent and progressive. And the next moment they want their daughters to give in to the whims of their to-be husbands and in-laws. Its like raising a lamb only to slaughter it later!
My relatives say …”You have lived your life the way you wanted all these years..now its time to get married?” How in the world is that the best pitch for a marriage…you are making it sound like a freaking TRAP!
It must be a hypocritical society when the best choice it can afford to its women is between child marriage, or existing forever as an unmarried child.
http://www.youthkiawaaz.com/2012/06/her-marriage/
Apparently I am living in some Utopian country- because in my country there is no curfew in hostels- students are considered to be adult, mature and responsible people (men and WOMEN equally), so whatever they decide to do outside the hostel (go for drinking party, date, dance classes), they and only they will take the consequences if anything will happen- I never heard about any case, that parents of the student sued the university or college, because something happened to their kid while studying there (unless some mad professor killed the student :p )- I am a lawyer so I am up to date with such regulations and events. Second thing- background check- of course it is very important for every company to check the potential candidate, whom they are going to hire. But checking the background of father (btw- why only father? Why it is not important to check background of mother? Maybe father is recognized Manager in some big corporation, but mother committed some crime? Inequality, which is totally illogical)- such checking is totally irrelevant- first of all it is violating the legal regulations about privacy and protected data in my country, second of all- why should it matter, who is my mother and father- from the employer’s perspective of view only my data are important- my criminal record, my education and experience, because I will be working for this particular employer, not my mother or father. When it comes to activities and dressing of women- I will say only one thing- you should start taking care about more urgent problems in your country (corruption, female infanticide, poverty, discrimination, terrorism, list is quite long) rather than the length of woman’s dress- plus only uncouth, uncivilized, uneducated man judges woman and her character and morality on the base of her appearance and clothes. I am right now 27 years old, I was studying at one of the best universities in Europe, during that time I was enjoying my student time- I had many hobbies, I was going out for parties, to the cinema, opera, for sport, dance, and also accompanied by males- nothing bad happened to me ever, neither to hundreds of my friends (girls). Did I lose my reputation, because I was renting single apartment or going out with male friends? No, it didn’t happen. This is very good and important article. It’s the high time for India to give up this patriarchal system, which is the system of inequality and oppression, it’s time for starting thinking out of the box, it’s time for mental and social changes- only when society will change, than also stupid rule and regulations will change. You want to ensure safety for women? Educate your men, teach them that women are equal, human beings who deserve the same respect as men, and deserve for the same freedom- freedom of choice and living the life they want.
Basically I first of all don’t believe in marriage in itself. I mean what do you expect that signing a piece of paper doesn’t bring you closer to anyone!! Just putting that ‘mang Mein sindur’ n ‘gale Mein mangalsutra’ doesn’t make a permanent bonding with certain person. Staying under one roof doesn’t help you to fall in love!! Can this piece of paper, mangalsutra and one bed bring two souls any closer if they actually don’t want to??? Its all about your happiness!! If you are happy to stay with a total stranger and spend your life trying to be happy with him then you are most welcome. But if not then better walk out of it. You don’t need to get married for staying happy.
Even if you say that people do fall in love over a period of time in arranged marriages, I will counter you by saying that it happens because they have to. They have no other options but accept what happens. It is a kind of ‘forced love’. Love, whereas, must be natural. (But, our society has a long way to go to start believing in and regarding anything as such. We have to overcome many notions like, “marriage is essential for everyone”, “pre-marital sex is a sin”, “a girl is not the ‘possession of her biological parents” etc., to reach a phase where natural love is what leads to marriage).
I agree with all the critique against the unnecessary pomp and splendor of marriages, the madness around ensuring that people DO GET married, and the horrendous idea of arrange marriage.
They want a woman who is smart and educated but who will be willing to put all that away at the drop of a hat if they ask her to.
This is so true! Sometimes the hypocrisy of the so-called “modern families” kills me. On one hand they want their daughters to be educated. And on the other hand they don’t want them to be “too educated” as that would reduce her desirability in the marriage circuit. They want their daughters to be independent and progressive. And the next moment they want their daughters to give in to the whims of their to-be husbands and in-laws. Its like raising a lamb only to slaughter it later!
My relatives say …”You have lived your life the way you wanted all these years..now its time to get married?” How in the world is that the best pitch for a marriage…you are making it sound like a freaking TRAP!
It must be a hypocritical society when the best choice it can afford to its women is between child marriage, or existing forever as an unmarried child.
http://www.youthkiawaaz.com/2012/06/her-marriage/
Apparently I am living in some Utopian country- because in my country there is no curfew in hostels- students are considered to be adult, mature and responsible people (men and WOMEN equally), so whatever they decide to do outside the hostel (go for drinking party, date, dance classes), they and only they will take the consequences if anything will happen- I never heard about any case, that parents of the student sued the university or college, because something happened to their kid while studying there (unless some mad professor killed the student :p )- I am a lawyer so I am up to date with such regulations and events. Second thing- background check- of course it is very important for every company to check the potential candidate, whom they are going to hire. But checking the background of father (btw- why only father? Why it is not important to check background of mother? Maybe father is recognized Manager in some big corporation, but mother committed some crime? Inequality, which is totally illogical)- such checking is totally irrelevant- first of all it is violating the legal regulations about privacy and protected data in my country, second of all- why should it matter, who is my mother and father- from the employer’s perspective of view only my data are important- my criminal record, my education and experience, because I will be working for this particular employer, not my mother or father. When it comes to activities and dressing of women- I will say only one thing- you should start taking care about more urgent problems in your country (corruption, female infanticide, poverty, discrimination, terrorism, list is quite long) rather than the length of woman’s dress- plus only uncouth, uncivilized, uneducated man judges woman and her character and morality on the base of her appearance and clothes. I am right now 27 years old, I was studying at one of the best universities in Europe, during that time I was enjoying my student time- I had many hobbies, I was going out for parties, to the cinema, opera, for sport, dance, and also accompanied by males- nothing bad happened to me ever, neither to hundreds of my friends (girls). Did I lose my reputation, because I was renting single apartment or going out with male friends? No, it didn’t happen. This is very good and important article. It’s the high time for India to give up this patriarchal system, which is the system of inequality and oppression, it’s time for starting thinking out of the box, it’s time for mental and social changes- only when society will change, than also stupid rule and regulations will change. You want to ensure safety for women? Educate your men, teach them that women are equal, human beings who deserve the same respect as men, and deserve for the same freedom- freedom of choice and living the life they want.
Tuesday, January 27, 2015
9
One of the reasons I started to write this blog is that a lot of the issues that I talk about hit close to home for me. Once upon a time I thought that only my parents were rigid and cultured and protective of that but through blogs like Indian Homemaker, I realized that there are even more orthodox parents than mine, and mine are pretty orthodox. I think it is true about what they say about NRI's, that the parents especially live a life like they did back in India and are reluctant to change for fear of losing the culture, while in reality India has moved on and they have become a lot more modern than the NRI's think.
However, some of it stays the same, especially the arranged marriage circus. Because I did the shaadi.com experiment, I realized that while on the surface India appears more modern, its more traditional institutions like marriage retain the same shape, in the form of arranged marriage.
I just recently turned 20 and my parents have been dropping "hints" to get me prepared in the future for marriage, never mind that they haven't talked about sexuality or anything to me. It is automatically assumed that I get married. I remember the first time we had a fight about this. I was saying to them that I wasn't sure if I wanted to get married and they got all persuasive about why it was important, and they didn't want me to be alone if something happened to them. They said I would get "hoomph" which is Gujarati for comfort or warmth, from marriage. A certain security, if you will.
I think they have become more open about it since my cousin on my mom's side recently got engaged (she's the same age as me). She's studying to be a pharmacist and she didn't want to get engaged at first. But last summer she went to a marriage where her fiance's mother saw her and liked her (especially since she is thought to be beautiful, cultured, "sanskaari", etc). Their son was going to the UK to do his MBA (he's obviously older than her) and they didn't want him to "fall in love" with God knows who there (hint: not a Gujarati Brahmin Vegetarian Religious Cultured Good at Dancing Well-Educated Cheerful Tolerant Adjusting Obedient Pure Non-Smoking Non_Drinking Sheltered Homely Woman). So my cousin sister, who has obviously never had a boyfriend before and is encouraged to concentrate on her studies, is approached by this woman who wants her as a daughter-in-law (Well, they didn't approach her, they approached her parents). Her parents obviously didn't tell her this was happening at first, they wanted her to be unaware and concentrating on her studies, not stuff like this that she shouldn't be worrying her pretty little head about. They found out the boy's side was of the same caste and had a good reputation (from a "good" family") and they had a big house in the city, and they were modern and didn't ask for any dowry or anything. So they approached my cousin and asked her if she wanted to meet him. She said no, but they told her to at least give him a chance. So she and her other girl cousins went over to the boy's house, where his sister was there (she's in her mid-20's) and they talked, and from what I hear, it wasn't awkward or uncomfortable at all because she had her cousins with her and it was just like a friendly chat. So from this one talk, she told her parents she liked him and they started getting the engagement preparations ready. Her future mother-in-law bought her a dress and jewelry and took her to get ready at the beauty salon. My cousin's siblings dressed up too, her brother in a silk gray suit (you know, the ones that look shiny) and they had a small ceremony where he put a ring on it and they exchanged garlands. Guess how many days this happened in?? (You read right, not MONTHS or YEARS, but DAYS.) 4!!! She met him at Day 1 and got engaged on Day 4!! And then he went to the UK to do his MBA (it takes 3 years and 2 are already passed). Actually, he skipped some classes because he is so "smart" apparently and he's finishing his MBA up and coming back to India this spring. From what I hear they are very happy and my cousin is encouraged to talk to her fiance so they talk together and she even asked her parents for a new phone so she could see his face. She sends him pictures of food she makes, and she's adopted the in-laws as her own (like a good DIL) and goes to the movies! with them because they are basically alone now that one daughter is married and the son is in the UK. So they go out to eat and stuff and she's become rather attached to them, taking care of them and calling them Mom and Dad.
Anyways, I'm not being sarcastic because I'm jealous, but I'm just shocked at how sickeningly traditional this is. The poor girl doesn't even know who she is yet, hasn't even graduated college yet, and she's already "taken". I think it's cute that they talk and stuff but I don't know....there's just something off about taking the first person you see and being with them forever. She's never going to have time to discover herself, she's literally going directly from her parents house to her husband's house. There's supposed to be a sense of "security" in that, about protecting your little girl and making sure she doesn't get her heart broken, but is it security or suffocation? The marriage is supposed to be strong because it's backed and supported by both the families and if anything goes wrong the "elders" will be there to sort it out. There are millions of stories like hers and you already know how her future's going to play out...she's going to get married, go live in a joint family, have her suhaagraat, , the new family members/extended relatives/society are going to judge her like a piece of cattle and compliment her if she fits the traditional perfect role well which she will because she's beautiful,obedient yet talkative and friendly, the inlaws are going to start pressuring for grandkids, she's going to pop out a few kids, and maybe become a stay at home mom. The only refreshing thing is that her in laws are modern and even want her to drive. They've given her capris and jeans as presents because they want her to be modern like the girls her fiance sees in the UK. It's like he never left!
Anyways, the point is that my parents have started talking to me more and more about this, and when I asked them why, they said it's because they want to give me mental training to prepare me for it. My dad always likes to be prepared for the future and he likes security, so he started making a "marriage plan" for me. One thing that got me was that they said they wouldn't be doing this if I was going to med school because then I would have to concentrate on my studies. But since I am doing business it is ok? I don't think my dad is confident I'm going to get a job in this economy either, so he's making backup plans. When I asked him why, he told me that since we're going to bring someone from India (again, all his idea), it'll take "him" a few years to settle down and finish his residency. So I'll actually be "starting" my life when I'm 27. Also, my dad said he doesn't care how much I make (150K or 200K is fine, he said), but he wants the other guy to come and double the income so we can live a good life. I didn't realize you had to be a millionaire to live a good life.
This all would be fine if he was just dreaming about it with his head in the clouds, but he actually made the choice to go ahead and open a new email account for me, and talked to someone about putting an ad in the paper for me. He said it's going to be a plus point that I'm so fair and beautiful (fair according to Indian standards). I think I'm more like yellow.
So he's already made this huge plan about how if we get responses, then I'll see if I like them *no force* and then potentially we're going to go to India THIS SUMMER to check out the matches and if one seems good to us then I'll ideally be married by THIS WINTER along with my cousin (2 in 1 to save money). This all seems like a ridiculous joke and if somebody saw it they would think it is, but it's not. It's really sad actually. I am wary about this not happening to me and I for sure don't want to give up my freedom so I said no to him but I think he's actually going to go ahead with it anyways and see what happens.
I just feel really really uncomfortable about this whole situation. I know they're not "pressuring" me but they keep dropping hints about potential hypothetical situations that involve "my husband". I've told my mom I'm not sure I want to marry or have kids but her response is that no woman wants to get married but she has to, and that I will change my mind in the future. It's just, like, the rules of (anti) feminism!! I think deep down, they feel some sort of responsibility for me and that as parents their job isn't finished until they settle me down. They don't take me seriously and I just feel pushed into this box with each comment they make, like my future is already decided.
Maybe you can pinpoint why I feel so anxious about this whole thing and what exactly is it that makes me feel so uncomfortable. Is it that I feel humans are just turning into packages? So after they get their degree "stamped" on them, they are shipped into the marriage market? It sort of feels like this is what my life has been leading up to, the reason to study and the reason to work hard. I don't know how I feel about this...
I Don't Know How I Feel About This....
One of the reasons I started to write this blog is that a lot of the issues that I talk about hit close to home for me. Once upon a time I thought that only my parents were rigid and cultured and protective of that but through blogs like Indian Homemaker, I realized that there are even more orthodox parents than mine, and mine are pretty orthodox. I think it is true about what they say about NRI's, that the parents especially live a life like they did back in India and are reluctant to change for fear of losing the culture, while in reality India has moved on and they have become a lot more modern than the NRI's think.
However, some of it stays the same, especially the arranged marriage circus. Because I did the shaadi.com experiment, I realized that while on the surface India appears more modern, its more traditional institutions like marriage retain the same shape, in the form of arranged marriage.
I just recently turned 20 and my parents have been dropping "hints" to get me prepared in the future for marriage, never mind that they haven't talked about sexuality or anything to me. It is automatically assumed that I get married. I remember the first time we had a fight about this. I was saying to them that I wasn't sure if I wanted to get married and they got all persuasive about why it was important, and they didn't want me to be alone if something happened to them. They said I would get "hoomph" which is Gujarati for comfort or warmth, from marriage. A certain security, if you will.
I think they have become more open about it since my cousin on my mom's side recently got engaged (she's the same age as me). She's studying to be a pharmacist and she didn't want to get engaged at first. But last summer she went to a marriage where her fiance's mother saw her and liked her (especially since she is thought to be beautiful, cultured, "sanskaari", etc). Their son was going to the UK to do his MBA (he's obviously older than her) and they didn't want him to "fall in love" with God knows who there (hint: not a Gujarati Brahmin Vegetarian Religious Cultured Good at Dancing Well-Educated Cheerful Tolerant Adjusting Obedient Pure Non-Smoking Non_Drinking Sheltered Homely Woman). So my cousin sister, who has obviously never had a boyfriend before and is encouraged to concentrate on her studies, is approached by this woman who wants her as a daughter-in-law (Well, they didn't approach her, they approached her parents). Her parents obviously didn't tell her this was happening at first, they wanted her to be unaware and concentrating on her studies, not stuff like this that she shouldn't be worrying her pretty little head about. They found out the boy's side was of the same caste and had a good reputation (from a "good" family") and they had a big house in the city, and they were modern and didn't ask for any dowry or anything. So they approached my cousin and asked her if she wanted to meet him. She said no, but they told her to at least give him a chance. So she and her other girl cousins went over to the boy's house, where his sister was there (she's in her mid-20's) and they talked, and from what I hear, it wasn't awkward or uncomfortable at all because she had her cousins with her and it was just like a friendly chat. So from this one talk, she told her parents she liked him and they started getting the engagement preparations ready. Her future mother-in-law bought her a dress and jewelry and took her to get ready at the beauty salon. My cousin's siblings dressed up too, her brother in a silk gray suit (you know, the ones that look shiny) and they had a small ceremony where he put a ring on it and they exchanged garlands. Guess how many days this happened in?? (You read right, not MONTHS or YEARS, but DAYS.) 4!!! She met him at Day 1 and got engaged on Day 4!! And then he went to the UK to do his MBA (it takes 3 years and 2 are already passed). Actually, he skipped some classes because he is so "smart" apparently and he's finishing his MBA up and coming back to India this spring. From what I hear they are very happy and my cousin is encouraged to talk to her fiance so they talk together and she even asked her parents for a new phone so she could see his face. She sends him pictures of food she makes, and she's adopted the in-laws as her own (like a good DIL) and goes to the movies! with them because they are basically alone now that one daughter is married and the son is in the UK. So they go out to eat and stuff and she's become rather attached to them, taking care of them and calling them Mom and Dad.
Anyways, I'm not being sarcastic because I'm jealous, but I'm just shocked at how sickeningly traditional this is. The poor girl doesn't even know who she is yet, hasn't even graduated college yet, and she's already "taken". I think it's cute that they talk and stuff but I don't know....there's just something off about taking the first person you see and being with them forever. She's never going to have time to discover herself, she's literally going directly from her parents house to her husband's house. There's supposed to be a sense of "security" in that, about protecting your little girl and making sure she doesn't get her heart broken, but is it security or suffocation? The marriage is supposed to be strong because it's backed and supported by both the families and if anything goes wrong the "elders" will be there to sort it out. There are millions of stories like hers and you already know how her future's going to play out...she's going to get married, go live in a joint family, have her suhaagraat, , the new family members/extended relatives/society are going to judge her like a piece of cattle and compliment her if she fits the traditional perfect role well which she will because she's beautiful,obedient yet talkative and friendly, the inlaws are going to start pressuring for grandkids, she's going to pop out a few kids, and maybe become a stay at home mom. The only refreshing thing is that her in laws are modern and even want her to drive. They've given her capris and jeans as presents because they want her to be modern like the girls her fiance sees in the UK. It's like he never left!
Anyways, the point is that my parents have started talking to me more and more about this, and when I asked them why, they said it's because they want to give me mental training to prepare me for it. My dad always likes to be prepared for the future and he likes security, so he started making a "marriage plan" for me. One thing that got me was that they said they wouldn't be doing this if I was going to med school because then I would have to concentrate on my studies. But since I am doing business it is ok? I don't think my dad is confident I'm going to get a job in this economy either, so he's making backup plans. When I asked him why, he told me that since we're going to bring someone from India (again, all his idea), it'll take "him" a few years to settle down and finish his residency. So I'll actually be "starting" my life when I'm 27. Also, my dad said he doesn't care how much I make (150K or 200K is fine, he said), but he wants the other guy to come and double the income so we can live a good life. I didn't realize you had to be a millionaire to live a good life.
This all would be fine if he was just dreaming about it with his head in the clouds, but he actually made the choice to go ahead and open a new email account for me, and talked to someone about putting an ad in the paper for me. He said it's going to be a plus point that I'm so fair and beautiful (fair according to Indian standards). I think I'm more like yellow.
So he's already made this huge plan about how if we get responses, then I'll see if I like them *no force* and then potentially we're going to go to India THIS SUMMER to check out the matches and if one seems good to us then I'll ideally be married by THIS WINTER along with my cousin (2 in 1 to save money). This all seems like a ridiculous joke and if somebody saw it they would think it is, but it's not. It's really sad actually. I am wary about this not happening to me and I for sure don't want to give up my freedom so I said no to him but I think he's actually going to go ahead with it anyways and see what happens.
I just feel really really uncomfortable about this whole situation. I know they're not "pressuring" me but they keep dropping hints about potential hypothetical situations that involve "my husband". I've told my mom I'm not sure I want to marry or have kids but her response is that no woman wants to get married but she has to, and that I will change my mind in the future. It's just, like, the rules of (anti) feminism!! I think deep down, they feel some sort of responsibility for me and that as parents their job isn't finished until they settle me down. They don't take me seriously and I just feel pushed into this box with each comment they make, like my future is already decided.
Maybe you can pinpoint why I feel so anxious about this whole thing and what exactly is it that makes me feel so uncomfortable. Is it that I feel humans are just turning into packages? So after they get their degree "stamped" on them, they are shipped into the marriage market? It sort of feels like this is what my life has been leading up to, the reason to study and the reason to work hard. I don't know how I feel about this...
Wednesday, January 21, 2015
7
SHAADI.COM EXPERIMENT
BY R. SHUKLA
INTRODUCTION AND WHY I AM DOING THIS EXPERIMENT
................................................................................................................
Purpose: I am really curious about the Indian male mentality and how egalitarian it has actually become, especially with educated* (supposedly "enlightened") men who have access to the Internet. The purpose of this experiment is to figure out if guys really want what they say they want. In the 21st century, most women are independent and working and have confidence in themselves. Many men, even Indian/NRI men say they want an independent and equal partner, but do they really? Let's see how many men actually want an equal.....and how many are just paying lip service. In Payal's profile, we see she has no other interests besides wanting to be a stay at home wife. Basically, she wants to live for her man. She doesn't seem interested in intellectual pursuits like politics and current events. She is sexy, but not sexual (not even kissed a boy!) She is pure and still a virgin. Actually most of Payal's profile information comes from this blog where there is a poem like this:
" Karyeshu Dasi, Karaneshu Manthri,
Bhojeshu Mata, Shayaneshu Rambha,
Roopeshu Lakshmi, Kshamayeshu Dharitri,
Satkarma Nari, Kuladharma Patni "
Line for line, it means :
"Works hard (as a slave) , Gives smart advice (like a minister),
Feeds and cares (like a mother) , Is a sex-goddess in bed (like the apsara Rambha) ,
Is beautiful (like goddess lakshmi), Is forgiving (like mother earth),
These are the ideal qualities (and duties) of a wife "
......................................................................................
Comments from the OP
"So, to be an ideal indian wife, all i have to do, is be a mom in the kitchen, a slut in the bedroom, a maid in the living room, all while looking like a bombshell, and not to mention, forgive any of his 'little' slipups, like ohhh, I don't know...forgetting our anniversary !!! or leaving his underwear on the bathroom floor !!! (which he really has done today...yikesss), ok....thanks, got it, check...Now that I know all this, what's stopping me from being an ideal wife.....ohh, I know, my BRAIN !!! I mean , come on here, I don't know whether to be mad or amused, it's ridiculous to the point of hilarity ."
"Also, please note that there is no such verse for the ideal husband, because logically, the guy could be any schmuck out there, but since he's married to the ideal wife, he isn't required to be any more than a schmuck."
------------------------------------------------------------------------------
I fully agree with the author of the original blog post that I got the poem from. It is so ridiculous it is hilarious. No woman- no HUMAN would be like this. Essentially, she doesn't have a personality. She is a living blow up doll. Her lifelong dream is to get married. You would think that men would know there are no women like this, because *newsflash* women are breathing, living creatures with ideas, personalities and thoughts of their own. Yet it is sad that men think women like this exist, and moreover, they prefer a woman like this.
...................................................................................................
*Drumroll* Ladies and Gentlement, meet.........
Payal Rohand
"BIODATA":
I have 596 invitations (currently) and over 250,000 potential matches. It is safe to say I am in demand. Most of them were easy to decline because they sent an automated response. I only wanted the ones that bothered to send a personal message, but only a few sent a personal message Also I got 9 requests for phone numbers and 2 given to me. When I was on there, about 30 people messaged me on chat. In some profiles, the parents said they were interested in me for their son, I found it funny that the son couldn't do it himself. You would think that only people in India would think like this, but there were some NRI's who still did this. Actually, most of the guys who were in India made their profiles by themselves while more NRI's did the parent/relative/brother thing.
Maybe the reason is that NRI guys are not really looking for marriage in their 20's, while in India since it is a sexually repressed society, these guys jump on the marriage train as soon as they come of age, whether they are mature for it or not, because marriage is the only way for socially approved sex. Also, the Bollywood movies play a huge part in what the Indian guys think *romance* is like and what women want.
Another interesting thing was that even though I said Looks/Caste/Height no bar, I was very specific about religion. Still, I got invitations from Christian, Jain, Sikh and other nationalities also. Maybe they thought that I would gladly agree to convert.
Now let's get to the good part:
(My comments are in regular font and theirs are bolded and italicized.)
...............................................................................................................
Shaadi.com Experiment Update
SHAADI.COM EXPERIMENT
BY R. SHUKLA
INTRODUCTION AND WHY I AM DOING THIS EXPERIMENT
................................................................................................................
Purpose: I am really curious about the Indian male mentality and how egalitarian it has actually become, especially with educated* (supposedly "enlightened") men who have access to the Internet. The purpose of this experiment is to figure out if guys really want what they say they want. In the 21st century, most women are independent and working and have confidence in themselves. Many men, even Indian/NRI men say they want an independent and equal partner, but do they really? Let's see how many men actually want an equal.....and how many are just paying lip service. In Payal's profile, we see she has no other interests besides wanting to be a stay at home wife. Basically, she wants to live for her man. She doesn't seem interested in intellectual pursuits like politics and current events. She is sexy, but not sexual (not even kissed a boy!) She is pure and still a virgin. Actually most of Payal's profile information comes from this blog where there is a poem like this:
" Karyeshu Dasi, Karaneshu Manthri,
Bhojeshu Mata, Shayaneshu Rambha,
Roopeshu Lakshmi, Kshamayeshu Dharitri,
Satkarma Nari, Kuladharma Patni "
Line for line, it means :
"Works hard (as a slave) , Gives smart advice (like a minister),
Feeds and cares (like a mother) , Is a sex-goddess in bed (like the apsara Rambha) ,
Is beautiful (like goddess lakshmi), Is forgiving (like mother earth),
These are the ideal qualities (and duties) of a wife "
......................................................................................
Comments from the OP
"So, to be an ideal indian wife, all i have to do, is be a mom in the kitchen, a slut in the bedroom, a maid in the living room, all while looking like a bombshell, and not to mention, forgive any of his 'little' slipups, like ohhh, I don't know...forgetting our anniversary !!! or leaving his underwear on the bathroom floor !!! (which he really has done today...yikesss), ok....thanks, got it, check...Now that I know all this, what's stopping me from being an ideal wife.....ohh, I know, my BRAIN !!! I mean , come on here, I don't know whether to be mad or amused, it's ridiculous to the point of hilarity ."
"Also, please note that there is no such verse for the ideal husband, because logically, the guy could be any schmuck out there, but since he's married to the ideal wife, he isn't required to be any more than a schmuck."
------------------------------------------------------------------------------
I fully agree with the author of the original blog post that I got the poem from. It is so ridiculous it is hilarious. No woman- no HUMAN would be like this. Essentially, she doesn't have a personality. She is a living blow up doll. Her lifelong dream is to get married. You would think that men would know there are no women like this, because *newsflash* women are breathing, living creatures with ideas, personalities and thoughts of their own. Yet it is sad that men think women like this exist, and moreover, they prefer a woman like this.
- I'll include an obligatory profile picture: (not of me obviously)
- HYPOTHESIS: I'd like to think that most people would be able to say that this is a fake post, but sadly most people will think that a person like this actually exists in our patriarchal society.
*Drumroll* Ladies and Gentlement, meet.........
Payal Rohand
"BIODATA":
- I am a model. Grew up in the US, loves fashion and beauty. Independent and modern but simple homely indian girl on inside. I also believe in husband as head of household (or pati parmeshvar hai) and I am pro-men, anti-feminist. I am a party girl now but willing to quit, and also quit eating non veg and drinking. I am a virgin, never even kissed a boy so I am innocent. Also I am religious and do fastings. Prefer to stay at in law's home and be housewife after marriage.I know how to cook well. Looking for indian gentlemen who knows how to treat a lady and is also dominant and strong enough to be the leader in relationship and so I have respect for him. Need to have "aankhon ki sharam" for him. I will work hard to be a good wife and will keep looking beautiful. I will treat you as a treasure. I will also support and advise you in troubles and am very patient and forgiving. Looks/Height/Caste no bar...tell me why you think you are good for me.
- RESULTS:
I have 596 invitations (currently) and over 250,000 potential matches. It is safe to say I am in demand. Most of them were easy to decline because they sent an automated response. I only wanted the ones that bothered to send a personal message, but only a few sent a personal message Also I got 9 requests for phone numbers and 2 given to me. When I was on there, about 30 people messaged me on chat. In some profiles, the parents said they were interested in me for their son, I found it funny that the son couldn't do it himself. You would think that only people in India would think like this, but there were some NRI's who still did this. Actually, most of the guys who were in India made their profiles by themselves while more NRI's did the parent/relative/brother thing.
Maybe the reason is that NRI guys are not really looking for marriage in their 20's, while in India since it is a sexually repressed society, these guys jump on the marriage train as soon as they come of age, whether they are mature for it or not, because marriage is the only way for socially approved sex. Also, the Bollywood movies play a huge part in what the Indian guys think *romance* is like and what women want.
Another interesting thing was that even though I said Looks/Caste/Height no bar, I was very specific about religion. Still, I got invitations from Christian, Jain, Sikh and other nationalities also. Maybe they thought that I would gladly agree to convert.
Now let's get to the good part:
(My comments are in regular font and theirs are bolded and italicized.)
...............................................................................................................
Hello, We have liked your profile and believe it to be good Match. If you like our son's profile, kindly accept this Invitation. We can then pursue this further on ph: Phone Number Visible on Accept or through email:Email Id Visible on Accept Warm Regards,_______
One family made it a bonding activity...
Hi, I and my son have liked your profile and believe it to be good Match.
Here are the personal email responses (out of the 596 currently):
One man in his profile just cut to the basics and stated his salary, it really justified my hypothesis that marriage in India is a "business transaction" and that is what guys think girls want (exchange beauty/domesticity for wealth).
Hi, I am__________ from ahmedabad.I am in accounting field earning 12000.00/per month & have rental income of 7000.00 to 8000.00.we have two members in my family. My mother & me.My father passed away & i have a one sister who is married.I have a simple attitude no bad habits like drinking & smoking. I am big fan of shahrukh khan & love to wear different types of aviators. i likes cricket & music. I trying to find a loyal & honest life partner. Friendship is important in longlife relationship, so my better half will be my best friend whom in can interact easily as well as share my thoughts without hasitating.
One guy complimented me on my "Indian Values" and said finding a girl like me was rare...I don't see how that's a good thing.
Hi, My name is A I I really liked your profile. I love how you have retained your values so well, which is rare to find even in girls from India. I am also a understanding, caring and supportive person. I also love my indian culture and respect my heritage. I do not have any extraordinary expectations from my ideal partner. I like simplicity. I may not be a model, but I am very honest and will give it my all to keep my partner happy. Well if you are interested in my profile then we can chat further. A.
Hi Payal. Enjoyed reading what you wrote. More than a beautiful face I see beautiful thoughts. Would like to get to know you better. Hope to hear back from you. R.(USA)
Hi, i liked your profile description. You look like my dream wife. (So pretty much sums up what Indian guys in India at least, want in a wife). I am good for you because i can promise you that you close your eyes and start your journey of life with me and you will never ever open your eyes .you will live in your dreams. N
This guy actually took the time to read the profile...
you really think you can live in india? your profile kinda sparked my curiosity so to speak.hope to hear from you
This guy really fell in love with the provider/dominant man fantasy...The last sentence is just LOL.
Coz -i will be the provider for the family -Honest guy like an open book.there is no other side in me -Going to take care of you -Started to work out recently.so may take some time :)
One guy unabashedly put a picture of him with a doctor's coat and stethoscope. He might as well have said he's looking for gold diggers.
Now this next guy was weird. First sentence was that he is an engineer. Didn't mention anything about himself but gave his whole family tree....I guess he wanted to prove that he was not "backwards" because he had connections in Pardes?
hi miss, i am an engineer in india and my brother lives in new york and is married and works for national brock lab of new york as an engineer and my sister is a nurse and lives in new york as well and is married and rest of family lives in calgary canada. one of my sister lives in calgary and owns her house and is unmarried and other one is married and lives in edmonton and my mama g (LOL Mama G) is a very reputed property consultant and lives in calgary.
One guy just jumped into asking what my fav movie was..
hi, how are you?I'm A.So what's your favorite movie?
This guy understood that friendship comes before romance...
My name is R frm India. I like your profile , First , I would like to friendship (the cliche fraandship LOL) with you
Why would you not read someone's profile? It's there for a reason.
You seem like a nice person , I would love to get to know you . I like to figure people out gradually rather than reading profiles and see where it goes.let me know if you really want to go ahead.
Cheese......so much cheese (This guy is in the US but you can tell he's from India because no guy raised here talks like this...)
Hi, How you doing ? I saw your profile and thought of saying Hi. hoping the Hi will lead to a wonderful conversation :) If you feel the same, Lets Connect.!
This was kind of nice...(again, from US but you can tell the difference he's been raised here, compared to the previous guy.It's more likely the previous guy came here for a working or study visa.
Hey! You sound like an awesome person. I'd love the opportunity to get to know you :)
This one was like, "Yeah, so I just want to tell you *casually* that I'm in med school..nothing about interests or anything else". It says a lot about what Indian guys (even NRI guys--you would assume this guy is more egalitarian) think potential Indian girls are interested in.
Hi How are you? So my name is ______said like an american haha. I was born in London but my family moved to the US when I was 11. I am about to finish med school in Philadelphia and might be moving for a emergency med residency. Let me know if you wanted to connect :) If not good luck!
hey, first I want to know whr u wanna stay after marriage ?India or USA? I am looking for understanding, loving, who respects my parents and treats them as her own parents after marriage and stands by me in every situation of life. we belong to middle class family but having bright future so economically no need to worry in my home. and I like whatever u wrote frankly in Ur profile and I m impressed by it. if u reject my profile then also no issue , but at least I request u to tell me the reason. thanks ______(The only thing I have to say about this is see IHM's post on this: ---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Only a few got the idea...(or knew that a girl like this cannot exist).
this is a joke. right? I don't know anyone who would say 'pro-men' lol you're nuts if you really are looking for what you say you are
Haha.is this a joke ;)
Hey!! Your profile looks so unreal haha Seems too true man Haha but none the less we can talk and see where it goes?
And this guy was really sweet..but maybe it was part of his plan since he knew other guys wouldn't act like this and he wanted to be the special snowflake who actually *cared*. Didn't even want to connect, just wanted to give me advice so that counts for something. But maybe on the other hand he thinks he can spark a conversation.
Why is your profile like this. You're intelligent and smart. (How is Payal smart and intelligent if she only finished high school? Something is fishy.) Forget about all that. Don't give up on your dreams to become the housewife types for the purpose of appealing to the society or the home. Be yourself and love what you do and find someone who can respect you for that.
Charts
- The conclusions of this study are that although India touts gender equality through its "Westernized" movies and media in an effort to become more modern, the majority of men in India only do lip service to this idea. In fact, most educated men (educated meaning speaking good English and having access to a computer) want and appreciate a woman like Payal, who is molded on the regressive gender ideals of centuries past. The implications of this study are that there is still a lot of work to be done in terms of gender equality. Considering that arranged marriages are the single most popular way young Indians get married, it is important that gender equality progresses in the Indian marriage market. Also, we need to get Indian men to WANT to have equal wives and not be so impressionable by mostly misogynistic Indian movies that now feature the paradox of women being modern and stylish on the outside but still having "traditional" values. Or, the fact that she should be "cool" and not homely on the outside, but have homely values on the inside.
- I also did an experiment with a darker woman named "Laila Rohan" who was the antithesis of Payal- a feminist who wanted an equal partner and said up front that she would not be the more passive partner. Surprisingly, Laila also had suitors, although not as many as Payal. I think that all woman, as long as they have a vagina, will get suitors on this website. I found that Laila's suitors were also more attractive, although that is just my subjective opinion. This might be because the parents of those suitors found each other physically attractive and were in more of a love marriage, while people who were less attractive were found partners through the rigid arranged marriage, which is more orthodox. So the children of the orthodox parents grew up wanting a woman like Payal whereas the more liberal (attractive) children find Laila more attractive. At least that is my theory. What I found interesting was that a lot of parents were interested in Laila for their son, while more "self" created profiles were interested in Payal. This was interesting to me as you would think a potential Indian MIL would want a submissive DIL. But maybe secretly they wanted a strong and capable partner for their son. Any thoughts to why this is?
- I was saddened by these results, I guess I used to think that only people of older generations like my parents and grandparents thought this way but it is scary to see that the current generation is like this too. I will post a more "polished" analysis as I think of it. But what are YOUR thoughts on this?
Sunday, December 21, 2014
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It amazes me, that even in 2014 we still have outdated notions that just will not quit!
Ghar Jamai Raja
It amazes me, that even in 2014 we still have outdated notions that just will not quit!
One example of this happened the day before yesterday. My family and I were relaxing on the couch and the topic of the Hindi serial "Ghar Jamai Raja" (Loose Translation: King of the House, Son-In-Law) came up. It is a serial where basically the guy moves in with the girl's family and rules the roost, being lazy and not doing anything, and generally being expected to be treated as a king.
Now, as my age gets closer and closer to marriageable age, my parents used me as an example to explain what the name of the serial meant. "For example, IAF, if your husband moved in with us, how funny would that be!". I got the sense that it was supposed to be emasculating if a guy moved into a girl's parent's home. But in situations where I detect sexism, I usually just pretend I don't understand and get them to explain thoroughly so hopefully they hear just how stupid they sound. "So why did mom move into dad's house then? Wouldn't that be funny too?" My mom gave an uncomfortable laugh and said, "no beta, that's the tradition, the way it's supposed to be".
They thought it was despicable if a guy moved into a girl's parent's home and they had to take care of him, as a burden, but if the opposite happened it was a "tradition"? I suppose in exchange of the boy's family taking the girl in, she was expected to do household work, almost as a new maid. Finally, after I kept asking why it was so different between both the sexes, my grandma laughed helplessly and said, "It's because you are a daughter, and your "husband" is a son. That's why it's different".
Ohhh. Now I get it. NOT. My parents have never treated me less than, especially since we live in the US and also because I won't let them, but I can't believe that in things like this, I am still discriminated against. I said my grandma laughed helplessly because it sounded like there was nothing she could do about it, that that's just the way things are. I hate it when people think like that and I admit even I think like that sometimes, but all those traditions then become a box that is imprisoning and restricting us. I wish I could explain to my grandma that the customs do not control us, we control the customs. If we don't like the way something is done, we should make our own history. And damn the old "lekin log kya kahenge?" (Translation: But what will people say?)
Anyways, my parents agreed that I am not ready for "marriage" yet because I have not acquired all the virtues of being a good wife, and those virtues are necessary for making a marriage last b/c *gasp* it is up to the woman to adjust and in the words of Tim Gunn, "make it work tm" Some of those virtues they mentioned are being tolerant (sahansil), and hardworking. I tried explaining to them that I didn't think being tolerant was going to win brownie points, especially since it is very easy for that tolerance to turn into tolerance of abuse and insults, just for the sake of *preserving* the marriage. I think the concept is still foreign to them. But I think they really are afraid of getting me "married" because to them I am unpredictable and unstable and it would be better for me not to get married at all than to get married and come home to them and say "I am back! It didn't work out!".
Because don't you know, I'm supposed to make the marriage work AT ALL COSTS. Even if I am not happy I should make a facade and pretend to be happy and that everything is perfect because a marriage is supposed to be FOREVER and DIVORCE is not an option. It will bring shame upon the family. SHAME, I tell you. SHAME. /end sarcasm
I don't think my family is ready to be that liberal yet, but with two feminists in the house (me and my apprentice sister), they will be forced to broaden their horizon, whether they like it or not.
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