Sunday, February 12, 2017


Questions to Ask for Arranged Marriage

If you are getting an arranged marriage, then there are definitely some questions you should ask to make sure he is as egalitarian as are the ones I could think of:

Do you think women should behave a certain way?
Do you think they are the "keeper of the flame" , or responsible for keeping their reeti-reevaj (traditions) alive?
Do you believe in horoscopes?
What principles do you value (commitment, integrity, honesty, punctuality, honoring your word?)
What would be your "ideal" wife?
What would be your "ideal" relationship?
What are you looking for in a spouse (equality or complementary roles?)
Do you believe in gender essentialism?
What do you think is required for a good relationship (respect, trust, honesty)?
What do you value in life (materialistic vs simple life)?
Do you believe in traditional gender roles?
What makes you think you're ready for marriage?
Why arranged? Why now?
Are you the type of person to follow traditions/rules blindly, or do you think about what you are doing?
What are you passionate about? What makes you feel alive?
How much are you into Indian culture/nationalism?
Do you believe in the caste system?
Are you an independent person who has their shit together (knows how to cook, do chores)?
Would you consider yourself a mature person?
What causes are important to you?
Do you have your own thoughts and beliefs or are they the same as your parents?
Are you the type of person that needs to be reminded often?
Do you want a relationship where you are always with the other person, or do you need space?
How comfortable are you defying the status quo ?
How much do you care about what others think of you?
How do you continually improve yourself ? (working hard, etc)
What is the definition of a man to you and the definition of a woman?
How important is health and exercise to you?
Would you consider yourself a driven and ambitious person?
Is sense of humor important to you?
Are you open-minded and tolerant of others' beliefs (live and let live policy)?
How is your relationship with God?
Are you an intellectual who likes lively debate and deep conversations for mental stimulation?
Would you consider yourself an optimistic and happy person?

From Nazreen at

Before I got married I must have read hundreds of articles on how to prepare for marriage, what to discuss with your fiancé(e) etc. But these questions are mostly personal, what is important to one person might be nowhere near necessary for someone else. So the specific questions I asked might not be helpful for you. But, I want to help those of you who asked for 'the list'. This is going to be a semi-long article, so if you want to grab a cuppa tea or coffee, go for it. I'll wait.
Back? Are you teady (ready with tea-geddit? geddit)?
1.Write your introduction BEFORE you go into the questions.
Before you determine what questions to ask, you need to figure out who you are. Without that, it's hard to come up with the right questions. So write a one page (or more) introduction- name, cultural/religious/academic/professional background. A lil' bit about your family. What you like doing in your free time-hobbies/pastimes. What are the causes close to your heart? What do your close friends say you are- introvert? extrovert?fun loving? adventurous? What are your goals for yourself- 5 years/10 years down the line?
1.a. After you write an intro, on a separate page write- what are your priorities in life- family, career, education? In what order? What are the things you absolutely cannot live without? Do you need to travel to a new place every year? What are you passionate about- art, business, travel? Do you need to work on a higher degree after a few years? Are there certain traits that piss you off? BE CLEAR OF YOUR DEAL BREAKERS! (This page is for yourself, to understand where you stand)
2. Write what you expect from a husband/wife- how much should he/she contribute in the household chores? How should they pitch in the finances? How should they meet your emotional needs? How much emotional needs? Now you don't have to send this bit to your potential partner, it can put some people off. I just sent it to mine because I am a bit crazy like that. And I think anyone who gets scared by this kind of stuff isn't worth being considered anyway. But this page is just to help you, like a reference, when the person answers your questions. (NOTE: Sometimes you may find that a person doesn't fit in with everything you are looking for. That is natural. No one is going to find a custom made spouse that checks all boxes. So in things that aren't that important to you, be open)
3, Frame your questions along your priorities and deal breakers. I can't tell you which questions to ask since each one of us has different experiences and expectations. But here are some general questions that might be helpful in the process-
Do you like chai? I am kidding, don't ask that! :
a. Tell me a bit about yourself. Your background, where you were raised, your family, your education and job etc.
b. Do you have any close friends? What do you guys usually do when you hang out?
c. What do you like to do in your free time?
d. Do you like to travel? Where all have you visited? Would you like to travel as a couple after marriage? How often?
e..What are your expectations of your partner? Spiritually, In terms of decision making at home, regarding raising kids. And also in terms of housework?
f.Are you okay with your spouse pursuing higher education after marriage? Will you be supportive of her career after children?
g.In future, if the situation arises and you are given an opportunity to live and work in a different country, are you willing to explore it?
h. What is your take on joint families? (This is mostly for desis)
i. What do you think constitutes abuse, for both men and women?
k. What do you think are the rights and responsibilities of a husband/ wife?
l. What are your professional plans over the next five/ten years?
m.Do you like kids? Have you thought of when you want to have children?
n.. What are your views on religion? How much/how little do you practise/want to practise?
o. Tell me about your siblings. What kind of relationship do you have with them?
p. Which are your favourite books/movies?
q. Do you volunteer anywhere? What are the causes close to your heart?
r. Are you financially dependent on anyone? Is there anyone who depends on you?
These are just some questions you can ask. Some are light hearted ones which give you a general idea of the person. The others are more serious and can give you a glimpse of the core values and beliefs the person holds close. Ask the important questions first, the rest can follow as a natural conversation (or it will become like an interview!) Please note that you must know the answers for these too for yourself. That way you can compare where you guys stand on a lot of issues.
At the end of the day, there is no guarantee they will answer the questions honestly, but at least you have taken a step in the right direction by doing your homework instead of just hoping things turn out all right.
Was this helpful? What are some other questions you think need to be on the list?

No comments:

Post a Comment

Please keep it classy!