Does it feel like no matter what we achieve, we will always be judged on our attractiveness and "Femaleness" by men?

These are a few examples below: 

Here is an example of a subreddit where the members agreed that they clicked on it b/c of the girl, then stayed b/c of the cool thing. http://www.reddit.com/r/UNBGBBIIVCHIDCTIICBG/

Here a female rocket scientist was lauded for how well she could cook:http://www.salon.com/2013/04/01/ground_breaking_female_rocket_scientist_sure_could_cook/

And a goodie about girls doing math from xkcd:http://news.sciencemag.org/sites/default/files/styles/thumb_article_l/public/sn-stereotypes.jpg?itok=4PyeahZP

_________________________________________

It feels like before we are even given a chance to explain ourselves, we are automatically seen as FEMALE or WOMAN instead of human by men. This is the exact same reason female infanticide is so prevalent: they are seen as female first and foremost instead of human. It makes me so made because when we are born, we don't have a fucking clue what we are! We just "exist". I didn't know I was female when I was born, I was a baby.

 It sucks that people dump all these connotations, previously held beliefs and their own biases on someone that is like a blank slate and hasn't even figured out who THEY are. And this continues as we grow up.

I don't think of myself as female. I just see "me" in the mirror. I feel sorry for men who don't...who don't think of women as having rich interior lives that rival their own and only think of them as stereotypes (nurturing mother, slut), accessories, or sex objects. (Example given here:http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Esa3R-YzTmo&t=0m24s) This dude clearly says, when seeing a woman, he sees her as a sex object first. And that is clear BS, don't give me crap about it being male hormones or testosterone. That goes into dangerous territory about men not being able to "control" themselves.

It reminds me of what my english teacher said about how men didn't know what went on in women's minds until the mid 1900's, they didn't even know if women could think or not. They thought it was "buzzing" like a bumblebee's hive. That's probably not true, but gives insight on how men thought of women.

The clitoris was not explored until recently, while the penis has been glorified for ages. Even in medical trials, most don't know how a trial will affect women because almost all involve male test subjects and how it affects men. Women are othered, feared and thought of as inferior in regards to femininity. And it's sad because I didn't have a choice in whether to be female or not. If I could pick, don't you think I would've chosen the "higher" masculinity? No one wants to be inferior.

Reminds me of this article where if there's a shortage of men, some women "become" men and are allowed to do masculine activities that women aren't, proving that women CAN do these things. It seems like women NEED to be thought of as delicate and fragile for the hierarchy to be maintained. Patriarchy would be obsolete if these "truths" were shown to be false.

Some of those "men" said they chose to live this way because they would have more freedom. Sucks when you have to identify as a man to be "whole", allowed to do things, and deserving of human rights.

And it's not just in backwards societies. This Tedx talk talks about masculinity and at a certain point, Tony Porter says that when he asked a football player how he would react if someone told him he was playing like a girl, the football player said, "It would DESTROY me". Link: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=td1PbsV6B80&t=5m5s

Transcript Excerpt:

 I come to also look at this as this fear that we have as men, this fear that just has us paralyzed, holding us hostage to this man box. I can remember speaking to a 12-year-old boy, a football player, and I asked him, I said, "How would you feel if, in front of all the players, your coach told you you were playing like a girl?" Now I expected him to say something like, I'd be sad; I'd be mad; I'd be angry, or something like that. No, the boy said to me -- the boy said to me, "It would destroy me." And I said to myself, "God, if it would destroy him to be called a girl, what are we then teaching him about girls?"

---

This is the problem with being a woman, why it's so much easier to be a man. We're shoved into this bubble of "what men think we are". The worst thing about being a woman is how men define women. __ Other good things to watch: Missrepresentation (the documentary)

Ray Rice Controversy and Black Double Standards and Sexism

Taken from: http://www.washingtonpost.com/posteverything/wp/2014/09/10/black-mens-excuses-for-ray-rice-sound-a-lot-like-the-ones-darren-wilsons-supporters-used-in-ferguson/

I really liked this article, especially because of everything happening in Baltimore right now. I couldn't help but think of this picture:

Black women are always so vocal and passionate when it comes to racial matters but because of this sexist issues get sidelined and are not always supported by both black women and especially black men.

Black men. Fellas. Brothers.

Stop complaining about Ray Rice’s (much deserved and yet woefully insufficient) punishment. Right now.

When we are beaten, slain and otherwise persecuted, our sisters, our mothers, and our women stand for us with nearly unilateral, unwavering support. They march for us. They cry out our names and demand justice. They support us in our moments of quiet fear when we shed the bitter tears of self-doubt and fatigue.

Why aren’t we doing the same?

Stephen A. Smith wasn’t alone in blaming black women for the violence against them. Too many black men are making shameful attempts to explain away the punch that Baltimore Ravens running back Ray Rice laid on his then-fiancee, Janay Palmer. The caught-on-tape abuse earned Rice an indefinite suspension from the NFL this week. That’s the least he should suffer for knocking a woman unconscious. It’s foolish to watch that video and see it any other way.

And yet, black men are complaining about Ray Rice’s punishment and diminishing his actions:

“It couldn’t have been that bad. She married him.”

It doesn’t matter.

“She should know he’s a big man and, if provoked, he’s gonna hit back.”

It doesn’t matter.

“She hit him first.”

It doesn’t matter.

“He’s trained to hit. He can’t stop it. It’s a reflex.”

That’s absurd and, even if it were true, it doesn’t matter.

When you say these kinds of things — when you look for ways to go easy on Ray Rice — you are doing two things: First, you’re telling black women, “Your lives and your sense of safety have less value to me than the recreational sports that I watch ritually.” You’re telling the women who stand for you, cry for you and demand justice for you, “Thanks for all that, but don’t mess with my game.” You damage their feeling of safety with you. You reinforce the perception that they are alone in their struggle. All of that leaves them even more vulnerable in a society that so often leaves them behind.

The second thing you do – and this is irony – is borrow from the script of people like Ferguson police officer Darren Wilson’s supporters. Let’s compare notes:

“He shouldn’t have been in the street.”

It doesn’t matter.

“He should have listened to the cop.”

It doesn’t matter.

“It was reflex. Cops are trained to shoot to kill. He couldn’t help it.”

Are you seeing the terrifying parallel? None of these excuses matter.

Brothers, recognize wrong and stand up for what’s right. Whatever happened between Ray and Janay Rice, and whatever they did to patch things up, is irrelevant. The bottom line is that no man has business hitting — let alone knocking out — any woman over a spat. He should regard the use of his body against her as lethal force and exercise restraint above all else.

Stop complaining about Ray Rice’s suspension. Stop minimizing his behavior. Stop giving in to blind idol worship.

And stop sipping your tea. This is your business.

When one of our sisters is hurt, abused or in peril, it’s our business. Because when some authority has us jammed against a car with guns drawn on us, they always make it their business to speak out. They throw themselves in peril to see us safe.

It’s a shame when we cannot do the same.

1 Step Forward, 2 Steps Back

Even in America, which is considered to be one of the most egalitarian countries in the world and a "1st World" country, has people like these....

Item 1: http://www.thegloss.com/2011/03/02/sex-and-dating/smart-men-tell-us-why-they-date-dumb-women/

The comments on this are atrocious. Yes, the men surveyed might have their own opinions regarding why they want a "stay at home, dumb" gal and that is their own preference.
Here are the award winning comments: (/s)

It's obvious that the Male biology (and ego) makes us want to be the dominant one in the relationship, I think every guy admitted to this in some way. But I think Hedge Funder hints at an important point. The Female biology wants a mate that she can look up to or respect as her superior in some way. Otherwise she loses respect for him and with that goes desirability as a mate. As he says, "Every alpha woman I know wants to be with a man who is as successful as her or more so." Men do NOT need this. Every man I know, after maturing past sowing their oats as it were, wants a woman that can love him in a way that he feels secure in her love. Whether that's cooking him dinner, being there emotionally after a rough day at work, having intellectually stimulating conversation, being a partner in business, a travel companion, bearing him healthy children or simply being an affectionate lover all varies by guy. Whatever it is for him, that's enough. She doesn't need to be successful, smart or anything else.
So picture this: You're a semi-successful, attractive business man. You're not really aware of what that key female trait is for you, but your heart draws you to it anyway so you don't need to be. Now, you are drawn to both a waitress and professional business woman. Who is it easier to Get Noticed By? Who is it easier to Impress? (Yes we all want to feel like we are impressing you!) Who is it easier to spend time with? Who is it easier to fall in Love with? If, in this scenario, the guy would be just as happy with either woman, Who would you choose?

Women are like assets. Dumb women are easier to manage and therefore more valuable. It’s that simple.

Smart girls are the NAGGERS, which also causes stress.
Maybe if smart girls get to spend the man's money they'll shut up, actually I've seen it and no they still nag more than the stupid happy girl.

In short, dumb girls are easy.
No, no, they're hot and easy. You forgot the upside!

women certainly have become very mean to us men and stupid over the years.
perhaps that is why the bible says women must be kept subservient to men. I'm agnostic myself, but all things considered, the bible does seem like a good guide to living life well, especially for stupid people who lack the wisdom to know any better (ie, women)

I want to dominate the relationship (in a virtual way... she wont be my slave, but I like the feeling). Intelligent women wont take that. TURN OFF!!Women may sometimes be somewhat intelligent, but seldom wise.
You feminists want equal opportunities and pay? Okay hypothetically let's say you get it, but afterwards you will complain that your man doesn't make more money than you and that you WANT to feel inferior? Why don't you quit your job and start learning how to please a man then biatches, you can't have both at the same time, doesn't take a genius to see that.
You create your own problems and blame the man for them. Is it any wonder why you turn men off? The only option you rich ladies have is to equally do as men do and try to buy a boytoy, and don't complain about it because we sure don't complain about hot bimbos.

Thanks, someone had to express that sentiment. It's always annoying to read about men using women to bolster their egos.
But of course what you say is not true. Most women, with their backwards laws of sexual attraction, still want these men more than any others, despite the force of reason in the back of their minds telling them these guys have used many women and have a 99% higher chance of being infected. As anyone who's taken at least psychology 101 should know, this isn't just pop psychology.
But all women are dumb, don't you see?

Perhaps with dumb women there are less questions to answer when they date them and they can satisfy them with gifts and all.

#1 and #7 are spot on. Two people who work like demons won't have any time for each other at all. One person has to be the hunter, the other, the gatherer. Hedge fund guy is a bottom-line, brass tacks person who can understand this. It isn't so much what people 'want,' it's what workable, and what isn't, according to the resources and capabilities at hand.
Think hedge-fund guy is a bit 'cold? 'in his practical way of thinking? Think about it this way; if we didn't have people like him - people who are capable of cutting through the emotional fluff to the raw data that helps SOLVE PROBLEMS - we'd be screwed.
#7 thinks in terms of economics. Also a good way to measure things.

someone tell matt langer to shut the fuck up (matt was the only feminist on the thread)

I don't think this question is thoroughly precise but by the way it is ask I presume the answer would be "because it is less intimidating to the ego of the man, and less pressure on him to start anything with a easier woman. "smart women" tends to be corrective and takes it too literally" Dating is meant to be fun.
smart women have big ego's and are actually more stupid than "stupid" girls who have much easier lives shopping and playing all from just looking good and leveraging their power of physical attraction to the fullest. They are jealous that their schooling didn't get them farther in life than the lazy ditz that just used the age old method prostitution. They are jealous that they are uglier too I bet.

In my experience a woman has no use for a man she looks down on. If she's taller, or smarter, or makes more money, that's one strike against him.
Why would a guy waste his time when he's already behind on the count?


A woman can't love a guy she doesn't respect. If there are more 'betters' on her side than his, she will never respect that guy enough to love him. Period. End of story.
How many high-caliber, urban career women do you know who are dating high-school teachers, union electricians, or cable installers? None? I thought so.
Let' stop slinging the crap and get with reality. Nature is what it is. Accept it, or suffer.

No man of any substance dates a stupid woman for very long. However, only douche-nozzles like Matt Langer find women sexy because they retain vague intellectual qualities. Intelligence is an essential part of a LTR for me, but to call it sexy makes you tantamount to the biggest "fucking toolbox" I know.

2. Item 2: "Like A Girl" Video

Here were one of the comments that really got me down. Our world might be improving in terms of gender relations but if parents teach children that gender equality doesn't matter then it will go on for generations. You can just imagine this little boy growing up to laugh off feminism and not give another thought to what are supposed to be thought provoking commercials like these.

So we're watching the Superbowl. We'd already had one awkward commercial with the domestic violence "pizza" 911 call. But when this "like a girl" spot comes on, it just got real quiet. When it finished, it was like people didn't know what to say. There was kind of a pregnant pause between the ads. At the moment of maximum embarrassment, my son lets out this huge sighing type yawn. I put my arm around him and said, "oh yeah, me too, man." People lost it and laughed for a good two minutes then. (The commercials are just crap this year. What a joke.)

Men are stronger, taller and faster than women, we are better in spatial coordination and have a better sense of direction, we have better hand-eye coordination and more precise control of large muscle movement and we have a better sense of perspective, all this makes us better at sport, it's undeniable, in most sports top female athletes can't compete with their top male counterparts, so it makes perfect sense to say like a girl when it comes to sports.

Since these traits are hardwired into the female brain, did it ever occur to you (feminists) that from an evolutionary standpoint, females are not supposed to have high confidence and self-esteem?
There is almost always a reason for everything in this world being the way it is...
Did you ever think girls lack self-confidence for a reason determined by nature and that you are fighting nature?

 

 

You run, hit, fight, throw, etc. like a girl because women are physically weaker than men.
That's why in sports you have women's league and men's league.
Get an all female team play against an all male team in any sport, see who wins.

 

Lmfao "a girl's confidence plummets when they start puberty" What about males? the male suicide rates are way higher..

 

 

The way the little girls ran and punch kind of proved that they're not very good at it

 

One of the most annoying things for me is when someone tries to prove me, that I insult him/her but I don't do that in fact. Phrase "like a girl" is insulting for men, but not for women. If I would say "You wear like girl" to guy would that be insult for women? No! That would be insult for this guy. So why saying "You run like girl" is an insult for women?! I have no damn idea why.
Anyways, a few days ago I saw woman, which literally was running "like girl" and I thought this is very cute. Then I remembered this feminist bullshit, so I returned here to say what I think about that.

 

I disagree with this...Its NOT meant as an insult..its TRUE! That most girls do those things..its not a slam but reality...Stereo Types arent bad, they are reality...ONLY in the last 3-4 years have stereo types become NEGATIVE...Yes people get offended, it happens...cant please everyone...sorry! Our society seems to be losing the ability to laugh at yourself olr to accept yourself...

 

it's not a matter of insulting, it's scientific fact, girls are not built to be athletic. before puberty, we are equal to boys, after it we are not. when i was in 6th grade i could run fast and do pull ups, in 7th grade i could not.

Girls are sissies if my opinion and should stick to playing with dolls.

 

Why is it that Girls must want to be like boys? Everyone knows that in the early phase of life girls develop faster than boys mentally and even physically but then later their bodies change as do boys. This is normal and mainly due to testosterone. Please people can we stop forcing girls to try to be boys and boys to try to be girls. I am so sick of a homogenous society where everyone must be equally good at everything and no-one is allowed their own identity whether thats a mental identity, gender or emotional one. Everyone is different race, religion, gender etc all combine to make us a world of unique people. Please stop forcing us to all be the same and rather appreciate the wonder of all out uniqueness.

 

Why do you think that whenever something comes out to empower women, men have to always put it down and trivialize and dismiss it? What was your "favorite" comment from this, and what would your response be to it? What do you think about all of this.

Tortino's Super Bowl Commercial

Hilariously funny!

Arranged Marriage Truths Compilation Part 4 (Last)

Truths I have found compiled from different blogs and websites....(Last Part 4)

 Even today marriages are considered a burden, a job which is to be finished as soon as possible.

Parents feel that their obedient child is happy with whatever they have chosen. But when it comes to understanding the psychology, they step back and expect the child to compromise. Again I want to point out, this is especially with females. They are made to compromise everywhere. They are made to be the subordinate to their brothers before marriage and to husbands after marriage. Where are their own dreams? Why are they shattered before they even think of working on it. Girls do dream about their future partners and this is very natural. But very few could make their dream come true. All because of long flourishing tradition of arrange marriages.

Wellll great article …a traditional marriage in India …has all the elements to re establish the inferiority of the women… leave the “dowry” which is social..all the rituals in the ceremony itself…are all oppressive and insulting to women..Kanyadaan means..the women is a “possession” which is passed on from one man(father) to another man(husband)…Somebody mentioned vermilion here…It NOT a sign of what you think..It is sign that a girl is taken( Lost virginity as first sex has blood (conventional) and the vermilion is RED)

“Let a man be careful to honour his wife, for he owes to her alone all the blessings of his house.” -Talmud.

And finally Meera walked into the living room. Dressed in a simple salwaar kameez she came and served tea to the guests. She sat down grimly beside her parents while the boy’s family continued to stare at her. At last, Meera’s mom decided to break the silence and as she started speaking about her daughter it felt as though she was giving the job profile of her maid. “Oh she can cook anything. Indian, Lebanese, Chinese. She is good at household work too. She is…”

“She is an economics graduate with a post graduation in Business Administration. She is an author of several research papers and has been teaching at the University level for two years.”- finished Meera as she left the room disgusted.

Welcome to 21st Century India. We women are progressing after all. I mean look at us, we have six seats ‘reserved’ for us in public buses. We are leading political parties, multinational corporations; we dance around in movies wearing skimpy clothes without any objection from the Censor Board whatsoever. Ten years into a new era, a woman is no less than a man; she is gritty and brimming with self confidence. She carries herself with élan and smartly conceals that black patch underneath her eye which was a gift from her husband as dinner was not ready when he had come back from work, the night before.

There are thousands of other Meeras who are married off every day to someone they barely know because, ‘their parents know it best’. More often than not, these marriages fail miserably because the very premise of Indian marriages is based on a gender prejudice. Think about it. Why do women alone have to leave their parents house and settle down with her in laws irrespective of whether they respect her or not? We call it tradition but we never mean it. The younger generation although more aware, still feels that- “Only westernized families have the luxury of falling in love.” So then is that it, Is it okay to compromise our own happiness for some obtrusive convention we fondly call, - “TRADITION?”

“May you be the mother of hundred sons.”

For an Indian woman, her greatest accomplishment is motherhood. Everything prior to marriage is preparation. Everything after motherhood is reward for fulfilling her destined role. In Semitic religions, children are considered to be the “Gift of God”which leaves little scope for family planning. As far as a Hindu woman is concerned, it is tacitly understood that she must bear sons. Because, with the birth of a son the continuity and safe keeping of the father’s soul is assured. It is almost implied that bringing up a daughter would be a sheer waste since she is destined to cater to someone else’s family. No matter how much we debate, even in the present times the birth of a son calls for special celebration. And after thirty years, when the same son disposes his parents off to some old age home, his folks continue to believe that it was for their best. One can’t help being taken aback by such an astounding faith in a child whose immediate concern is anything but them.

Stupid Articles
http://www.quora.com/How-does-one-make-sure-that-the-bride-he-is-marrying-in-an-arranged-marriage-has-a-flat-stomach

http://www.youthkiawaaz.com/2014/05/better-side-arranged-marriages-will-one/

Arranged Marriage Truths Compilation Part 3

Truths I have found compiled from different blogs and websites....(Part 3)

If you think your parents know you better than your ownself, then its time you start growing up and figuring out what you really are… Its most important to connect to yourself before anyone else and NO, your parents can’t do that for you, mama’s boy… Its good to take your parents’opinion but its pathetic to consider their opinion as the bottom line… Final decision lies with the couple, not the families… They have to live together, families come together barely 3 times a year for festivities… (once in a while as written by you).. And if you need rituals to get to know each other, pray tell us have you gotten married to every friend you ever made in life to get to know him or her better, with something like 20 ceremonies???? And especially bride’s father spending, eh??? why plz??? Is the couple so useless that they cant sponsor their own wedding??? then maybe you should consider getting financially strong before jumping into marriage (n before u jump to stupid conclusions, i mean both should get financially independent, not just the guy).. Grow up, dude…

Marriage is beautiful and love is wonderful. But why cannot we let them both be natural, selective and free from obligations? Falling in love because you have to get married to a certain person out of filial duties and societal set up is anyways obligatory and not anyone’s first choice. It is a compromise.

http://www.youthkiawaaz.com/2011/07/are-marriages-really-worth-the-drama-the-bias-and-the-money/

I am firmly against arranged marriages since they devalue the individual. I believe that children who are being forced into arranged marriages should abandon their parents and break free from their tribal mindset.

I agree one hundred percent. ..the freedom of living life on your terms very important

Well is answer to the name of your article is yes marriage is a bond of compromise for the bride. I think it is all in our mind. We are independent and no one has any right to infringe our independence. The solution which i suggest is that first the groom needs to support her. He should be the one to stand against the family and support her to live the dreams which she have woven. If he is with her, then no one else matters.

The answer to all your questions lies in this one word-“choice”. Take for example- Many men and women wonder what’s the harm in changing the surname after marriage or how is it suppossed to oppress women? The mere fact that a women have no choice is oppressive. Women who work hard and build their identities with maiden name have to rebuild it many senses when they are compelled to change her name. If given a choice, there will be women who’d take their lovers/husbands surname and there would be many who’d like to keep their maiden surname. Simple. Taking your husband’s surname or not in no way shows how much you love your partner. Also the concept of stay at home dad’s is looked down upon in our society. Men who helped women in daily chores were traditionally labelled Joru ka ghulam.
However this is changing. I have examples at my home. My Brother just married off her girlfriend of four years. They have moved out of my dad’s home to build their own home and they are equal partners. My sister-in-law decided to keep her maiden surname and nobody in my family opposed. My brother loves to make his wife breakfast and do some cleaning on a daily basis.
Once we break out of social stereotypes and so called traditions which are nothing but sham, marriage and such institutions would not be a bond for compromise but a bond for love!
 Like it is said, “A new life awaits her”. She is expected to adjust to her in-laws’ mindset and catering to their every need. If a girl does not know how to cook or clean, it is told that her parents didn’t teach her anything. It is she who has to start life from the bottom. This is what is called “The bonding in marriage”.
All a man does is to bring his wife from her house to his own. Nowhere is he affected by the problem that he will have to leave his house and go or he will have to leave his family, friends and all the old relations behind to make new ones. He has the mentality that he has to just bring his wife home. After that she’ll be the one to look after his house and family. Never has it been thought what a woman must be going through while passing through this phase of renovating her life. The question still remains. Why does only a woman leave her everything for the man after marriage? Why not the other way round?

Arranged Marriage Truths Compilation Part 2

Truths I have found compiled from different blogs and websites....(Part 2)

Since childhood, a substantial part of a woman’s socialization is woven around her body. Whether it is her apparel or her posture, she is persistently reminded by her parents, the school and college authority the need to dress in a ‘decent’ manner, the imperative to conduct ‘appropriately’ and is given a list of proscriptions about how she should not sit or walk. An intimate scrutiny would reveal that the autonomy enjoyed by a woman is nominal as she has to be conscious 24×7 about the fashion in which she regulates her body. This preoccupation with the management and administration of a woman’s body insinuates that a woman’s honour and self-esteem rests in her body. Any scar in her body becomes a scar to her pride. Her body becomes synonymous to her womanhood. Hence, any blot to her self-respect can be injected through corporeal violation that would be an injury to her self-esteem too. This perception of purity of a woman’s body underscores the misogynistic attitude within a patriarchal framework that has been trailing the project of civilization.

 Young India has a truck load of pretty good reasons to tie the knot. Mind you, they all are very rational and logical. You see, the young India strives for perfection. And what is perfection without a fair, homely convent-educated girl or a teetotaller boy from a decent family based in the USA/UK with a handsome package. What else does one need? The young India follows its timetable very sternly and marriage is of course a part of the timetable. Then come the kids and after that we all know how life goes on.

How does young India contribute to the society? By getting married, which is very important. It is almost a social obligation. And you have to get married, no choice bro! Doesn’t matter if you are ready or not, doesn’t matter if you know, let alone love the person, you have to get married. Because it is the right thing to do. And who told you that? Of course your mommy and papa and they know the best. And who told them? Of course their mommy and papa. Hence it goes on, without any one ever questioning the mommy and papa that why is it so important to get married. It is a tradition, a ritual which has been passed down generations and young India doesn’t dare to raise an eyebrow (well, at least the majority doesn’t). Because you see, we are Indians and we don’t argue back with our elders.

The “strange man” who scared my parents away in my teens is now their favourite. The prime parameters for finding the “good guy” are three – Pics (like Picasa and Photoshop left anyone not-so-presentable), career graph and family background. How is he as a person is so not the point of concern – so it is only obvious that he could be one of those chauvinistic men telling me to quit my job and have no friends!

Unfortunately, most Indian girls are taught to be less ambitious and more docile. An ambitious girl ain’t marriage material! I feel very sad when I see many girls of my age being so dreamy about marriage and all….sometimes I feel, don’t they feel the need to prove they are better than what society thinks?? How can they do the same thing willingly which their mothers did forcefully?

Marriage is supposed to represent the beginning of a beautiful journey, but our society has successfully turned it into a race, in which no girl wants to be left behind. The pressure to fulfill societal expectations often causes one to obsess over marriage, rather than allowing it to happen in its natural course of time.

I Don't Know How I Feel About This....

 
One of the reasons I started to write this blog is that a lot of the issues that I talk about hit close to home for me. Once upon a time I thought that only my parents were rigid and cultured and protective of that but through blogs like Indian Homemaker, I realized that there are even more orthodox parents than mine, and mine are pretty orthodox. I think it is true about what they say about NRI's, that the parents especially live a life like they did back in India and are reluctant to change for fear of losing the culture, while in reality India has moved on and they have become a lot more modern than the NRI's think.
However, some of it stays the same, especially the arranged marriage circus. Because I did the shaadi.com experiment, I realized that while on the surface India appears more modern, its more traditional institutions like marriage retain the same shape, in the form of arranged marriage.
I just recently turned 20 and my parents have been dropping "hints" to get me prepared in the future for marriage, never mind that they haven't talked about sexuality or anything to me. It is automatically assumed that I get married. I remember the first time we had a fight about this. I was saying to them that I wasn't sure if I wanted to get married and they got all persuasive about why it was important, and they didn't want me to be alone if something happened to them. They said I would get "hoomph" which is Gujarati for comfort or warmth, from marriage. A certain security, if you will.
I think they have become more open about it since my cousin on my mom's side recently got engaged (she's the same age as me). She's studying to be a pharmacist and she didn't want to get engaged at first. But last summer she went to a marriage where her fiance's mother saw her and liked her (especially since she is thought to be beautiful, cultured, "sanskaari", etc). Their son was going to the UK to do his MBA (he's obviously older than her) and they didn't want him to "fall in love" with God knows who there (hint: not a Gujarati Brahmin Vegetarian Religious Cultured Good at Dancing Well-Educated Cheerful Tolerant Adjusting Obedient Pure Non-Smoking Non_Drinking Sheltered Homely Woman). So my cousin sister, who has obviously never had a boyfriend before and is encouraged to concentrate on her studies, is approached by this woman who wants her as a daughter-in-law (Well, they didn't approach her, they approached her parents). Her parents obviously didn't tell her this was happening at first, they wanted her to be unaware and concentrating on her studies, not stuff like this that she shouldn't be worrying her pretty little head about. They found out the boy's side was of the same caste and had a good reputation (from a "good" family") and they had a big house in the city, and they were modern and didn't ask for any dowry or anything. So they approached my cousin and asked her if she wanted to meet him. She said no, but they told her to at least give him a chance. So she and her other girl cousins went over to the boy's house, where his sister was there (she's in her mid-20's) and they talked, and from what I hear, it wasn't awkward or uncomfortable at all because she had her cousins with her and it was just like a friendly chat. So from this one talk, she told her parents she liked him and they started getting the engagement preparations ready. Her future mother-in-law bought her a dress and jewelry and took her to get ready at the beauty salon. My cousin's siblings dressed up too, her brother in a silk gray suit (you know, the ones that look shiny) and they had a small ceremony where he put a ring on it and they exchanged garlands. Guess how many days this happened in?? (You read right, not MONTHS or YEARS, but DAYS.) 4!!! She met him at Day 1 and got engaged on Day 4!! And then he went to the UK to do his MBA (it takes 3 years and 2 are already passed). Actually, he skipped some classes because he is so "smart" apparently and he's finishing his MBA up and coming back to India this spring. From what I hear they are very happy and my cousin is encouraged to talk to her fiance so they talk together and she even asked her parents for a new phone so she could see his face. She sends him pictures of food she makes, and she's adopted the in-laws as her own (like a good DIL) and goes to the movies! with them because they are basically alone now that one daughter is married and the son is in the UK. So they go out to eat and stuff and she's become rather attached to them, taking care of them and calling them Mom and Dad.
Anyways, I'm not being sarcastic because I'm jealous, but I'm just shocked at how sickeningly traditional this is. The poor girl doesn't even know who she is yet, hasn't even graduated college yet, and she's already "taken". I think it's cute that they talk and stuff but I don't know....there's just something off about taking the first person you see and being with them forever. She's never going to have time to discover herself, she's literally going directly from her parents house to her husband's house. There's supposed to be a sense of "security" in that, about protecting your little girl and making sure she doesn't get her heart broken, but is it security or suffocation? The marriage is supposed to be strong because it's backed and supported by both the families and if anything goes wrong the "elders" will be there to sort it out. There are millions of stories like hers and you already know how her future's going to play out...she's going to get married, go live in a joint family, have her suhaagraat, , the new family members/extended relatives/society are going to judge her like a piece of cattle and compliment her if she fits the traditional perfect role well which she will because she's beautiful,obedient yet talkative and friendly, the inlaws are going to start pressuring for grandkids, she's going to pop out a few kids, and maybe become a stay at home mom. The only refreshing thing is that her in laws are modern and even want her to drive. They've given her capris and jeans as presents because they want her to be modern like the girls her fiance sees in the UK. It's like he never left!
Anyways, the point is that my parents have started talking to me more and more about this, and when I asked them why, they said it's because they want to give me mental training to prepare me for it. My dad always likes to be prepared for the future and he likes security, so he started making a "marriage plan" for me. One thing that got me was that they said they wouldn't be doing this if I was going to med school because then I would have to concentrate on my studies. But since I am doing business it is ok? I don't think my dad is confident I'm going to get a job in this economy either, so he's making backup plans. When I asked him why, he told me that since we're going to bring someone from India (again, all his idea), it'll take "him" a few years to settle down and finish his residency. So I'll actually be "starting" my life when I'm 27. Also, my dad said he doesn't care how much I make (150K or 200K is fine, he said), but he wants the other guy to come and double the income so we can live a good life. I didn't realize you had to be a millionaire to live a good life.
This all would be fine if he was just dreaming about it with his head in the clouds, but he actually made the choice to go ahead and open a new email account for me, and talked to someone about putting an ad in the paper for me. He said it's going to be a plus point that I'm so fair and beautiful (fair according to Indian standards). I think I'm more like yellow.
So he's already made this huge plan about how if we get responses, then I'll see if I like them *no force* and then potentially we're going to go to India THIS SUMMER to check out the matches and if one seems good to us then I'll ideally be married by THIS WINTER along with my cousin (2 in 1 to save money). This all seems like a ridiculous joke and if somebody saw it they would think it is, but it's not. It's really sad actually. I am wary about this not happening to me and I for sure don't want to give up my freedom so I said no to him but I think he's actually going to go ahead with it anyways and see what happens.
I just feel really really uncomfortable about this whole situation. I know they're not "pressuring" me but they keep dropping hints about potential hypothetical situations that involve "my husband". I've told my mom I'm not sure I want to marry or have kids but her response is that no woman wants to get married but she has to, and that I will change my mind in the future. It's just, like, the rules of (anti) feminism!! I think deep down, they feel some sort of responsibility for me and that as parents their job isn't finished until they settle me down. They don't take me seriously and I just feel pushed into this box with each comment they make, like my future is already decided.
Maybe you can pinpoint why I feel so anxious about this whole thing and what exactly is it that makes me feel so uncomfortable. Is it that I feel humans are just turning into packages? So after they get their degree "stamped" on them, they are shipped into the marriage market? It sort of feels like this is what my life has been leading up to, the reason to study and the reason to work hard. I don't know how I feel about this...

On Sexualization of Indian Culture in America; How Non-Indian Men View Me

I know I have talked a lot about issues regarding India, but my blog is "Indian-AMERICAN Feminist" so I guess I should add some issues that are relevant to the average ABCD (American Born Confused Desi). 

Oftentimes I feel very conflicted when usually white people say they love something about my culture, especially men. I think that there is a stereotype that Asian women are very submissive and docile and I don't think that's true. I found this text and thought it would fit in well with this post: 




To start off, this is absolutely disgusting. If something like this happened to me, I would start feeling like a sex object every time I put on a "dimond". I think that there is a problem with sexualizing Indian culture and Indian women by non-Indian men. 
I feel conflicted because I do think I am mostly "white" on the inside, but having someone reiterate and call attention to my culture, and specifically in a sexual way, unnerves me and makes me uncomfortable. I hate that for some men, I am a fetish and what makes it worse is that I am the typical short Asian with a baby face and shy. They don't like me for me, they like me because they want me to embody the stereotype. 

And yet it is ironic that in my own home, I am desexualized. The Indian-American culture is remarkably similar to the Indian culture, perhaps even more regressive because parents are stuck in the mindset of what India was like 10,15,20 years ago. There is a post on FemWire about this, here is a specific part: 

The concepts of good and bad within Indian society, particularly when it comes to women and girls, are built around virtue. Ahem, chastity. This is widely known to be the case in India itself, where women’s lives and choices are largely restricted and controlled supposedly for their own safety. But in reality, these protections are meant to hinder their sexual freedom, not ensure their overall wellbeing. Similarly, the Indian American community and its values are not far off from this culture. The women are expected to be, and are viewed as, virginal and sexually submissive. The silence around female sexuality – everything from the onset of puberty to reproductive health to attitudes about sexual activity – is common in Indian American homes. And then young people take this with them into their personal and social lives, carrying stigmas about sex and judgment for those who break the rules. In this way, I was able to make the connection, even if only in the periphery of my adolescent mind, about what it was about me that was wrong. The curves of my face, my boisterous personality – versus many other Indian girls’ reserved studiousness – and my avid obsession with making mix tapes off of Hot 97: to other Indians, these things indicated something unrespectable and, indirectly, sexual about me. And it was like a stain that spread over the years.

Women of color were mostly unseen as partner options. And if we landed in the purview somehow, it was, at best, to be mentioned as perhaps pretty and then quickly dismissed (you know, the “Wow, you’re pretty for an Indian girl” line) or, at worst, to be ridiculed for our ugliness. This may sound extreme, but it’s the reality I lived. I undoubtedly stood out in this context – ashy knees in the winter, unruly mane of thick, black hair in a sea of pale midriffs and near-ubiquitous gold or platinum highlights – but I was also invisible. And that external gaze is powerful: the invisibility desexualized me.

After all these years, I’m single for the first time not in a collective setting of a school or university. I’ve finally come to see clearly the odd dichotomy I’ve been navigating of being seen as prudish and puerile and, alternately, overly sensual and almost dangerous because of the ways I step outside of that virtuous Indian woman trope, even if only in the way I speak, carry myself, and dress. I’ve found that I almost always worry that a guy is reading me in one of these two extreme ways. And I do an exhausting dance of guessing which one it is so I can counter it with the appropriate behavior. Only recently did it occur to me that this is not something I can control, that it’s not my fault. That realization in itself is helping me shut out the noise to slowly find the in-between – and with that, my authentic self.

Sexuality does not originate from your body, but the possibility of strange men’s sexuality is constantly in your mind, policing what you wear and how you perceive yourself.

What do you think about this topic? Any commentary or stories? Agree or disagree? Or how is it similar or different being a girl in India? 

Works Cited: 

Growing Up Brown: Desexualized and Hyper-sexualized by Zoya Haroon

(http://feminspire.com/growing-up-brown-desexualized-and-hyper-sexualized/)

Walking the Tightrope: Good Indian Girls, Race, and Bad Sexuality by Chaya Babu

(http://thefeministwire.com/2013/05/walking-the-tightrope-good-indian-girls-race-and-bad-sexuality/)